Needs: Why Do Some People Feel Guilty For Putting Their Needs First?

By Oliver JR Cooper in attitude, Awareness, Forgiveness, Happiness, Life Purpose, Stress Reduction on January 23rd, 2015 /  No Comments »

There are some people who are able to put their needs first and to be there for others when it is possible. In this case, it shows that they are comfortable with their own needs and don’t feel the need to ignore them.

Just as there are going to be others who only feel comfortable when they are taking care of others needs. As a result of this, one is going to be there for others but they are not going to be there for themselves.

Needs

To have needs is part of being human, and this means it is not something that one can change. What is going to cause problems is when one doesn’t feel comfortable with their needs and always ends up putting others needs before their own.

If one was to put others needs before their own on the odd occasion, it is unlikely to be something that has a negative effect on their life. Yet, if this happens all the time, it is going to have a negative effect.

Playing a Role

This doesn’t mean that other people will realise what is happening and even if they do, they might say that one is doing the right thing. Either way, one is deny their own needs and putting others first.

The reason other people are likely to say that one is doing the right thing, as opposed to telling them that they need to put their needs first, is because of how needs are often viewed. If one acts needless and is always there for others, they are often described as being a good example.

Selfish

Whereas if one was to put their needs first, instead of putting others first, they could be described as selfish. So as this word often has negative connotations, it can cause someone to do everything they can to avoid being seen in this way.

But while being selfless is often seen as the ideal, to be this way is similar to building a house on sand. The house needs to have solid foundations or it will soon fall to the ground.

The First Step

When it comes to human beings, the foundations are one’s needs. Once these are met, one will have the energy to be there for others. If one was to deny their own needs and to be there for others, they will be running on empty.

The energy they do get is likely to be from the approval they receive from others. This is naturally going to have an effect on them, but it won’t be the same as it would be if they were getting their real needs met.

Normal

When it is normal for one to put their needs first, their life is going to be far more fulfilling than it would be if they were to always put others needs first. But if they always put others needs first, this could be what is normal for them.

Their whole identity might be based on them being there for others and while this is how others know them, it is not going to reflect their true self. What it comes down to is the role that one plays in order to be accepted.

Conflict

On the surface, one could believe they are doing the right thing but at a deeper level, this is going to create pain. Yet, this is to be expected, as they are going against themselves as opposed to working with themselves.

However, while this is creating pain, they could experience more pain through putting their needs first than the other way around. Going against themselves is then painful, but it is not as painful as it would be if they put their needs first.

Inner Control

So if having needs is normal, it can be hard to understand why one would feel need to deny their needs. One might know why they ignore their needs or it could be something they are completely unaware of.

And although there are going to be external factors involved here, it is going to come down to what is taking place within them. What is taking place within someone is going to be the defining factor.

Guilt

If one was to put their needs first, they could soon be overwhelmed by guilt. One is then going to believe that they are doing something that is bad. They could also cause one to feel ashamed and this means they are not only doing something that is bad, they are bad.

The trouble with feelings is that they don’t always reflect reality. Just because someone feels guilty, it doesn’t mean they have done something wrong and just because one feels ashamed, it doesn’t mean they are bad.

The Reason

What it could come down to is how one’s caregivers treated their needs whilst they were younger. The ideal would have been for ones caregiver to meet their need on a consistent basis, but this might not have happened.

Instead, one may have ended up fulfilling their caregiver’s needs and this would have meant that their needs were ignored. This would have caused them to believe that others needs are important and their needs are not.

Point Of Focus

And as they had to focus on others needs from the very beginning of their life, they might not know what their needs are. It could be normal for them to know all about others needs and to have no idea about their own.

Awareness

In order to move beyond this challenge, one is going to need to grieve their unmet childhood needs. It might also be important for them to receive the positive regard that they didn’t receive all those years ago.

This will allow them to get in touch with their true feelings and needs and to live from their true self. The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group may be needed here.

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Live with your Peaks and Valleys

By Walter Gassenferth in Abundance, Attention, attitude, Awareness, Learning, Stress Reduction, Success on January 19th, 2015 /  No Comments »

The Russian economist Nikolai Kondratiev was the first to try to prove statistically, early last century, that there are cyclical movements in the world economy of prosperity (Peaks) and depression (Valleys), a concept now known as the long cycles of Kondratiev. In fact, several natural and social phenomena can be translated by a sine wave with its Peaks and Valleys. Among them we lowlight the discovery by the French mathematician Jean Baptiste Fourier, which proved that the wave of a vibrating string, such as a guitar, is formed by the sum of several other sine format; the sinusoidal ac voltage is the most important of generating AC voltages of electricity; the rainbow colors of the spectrum are all perfectly sinusoidal frequency; the cycle of motivation, sleep, hunger, thirst, and sexual behaviour also follow sinusoidalpatterns. The very mechanics of the walking of a person can be represented by a sine wave, as initially there is an imbalance in the body from the original location where the person is, and rebalancing in a more advanced position toward the desired destination. This effect can be seen more clearly in children beginning to take its first steps. Therefore, this pattern is also part of the individual’s daily life.

In the motivational field, when the person is in a difficult moment of his life (Valley) tends to express a discouragement in the form of resentment, anxiety, fear, insecurity, negative thoughts, loss of hope and suffering. The relentless pursuit of a vision in which that person really believes, can lead it to a Peak. As the trajectory of the individual on the planet meets the sinusoidal path, these Peaks and Valleys need to be seen as natural: No one feels the happiest person in the world because it tasted his favorite dish or wants to kill himself because your nose is constantly dripping. You must understand that the mistakes made in the good moments are the cause of bad times tomorrow; and that the fixes and  the winning attitudes during bad times leverage a better tomorrow. You can not control all external events, but as we are masters of what we believe and what we do we can better control our Peaks and Valleys. Harry Palmer, in his book “Living Deliberately”, says that “we create possibilities for believing in within them, and we dissolve limitations for us to experience out of them”.

Spencer Johnson,  North American MD and Psychologist, and author of the bestsellers “Who Moved I Cheese” and “The Minute Manager”, wrote a book about the good times (Peaks) and bad (Valleys) for which the individual passes in his work and in his personal life. In this book, entitled “Peaks and Valleys”, he talks about ways to manage these two moments, with each point in a playful story (as it is in his nature) of overcoming and learning of a young man who lives in a Valley unhappy, but his life changes when he meets a man who lives in a mountain. From the teachings of the old man, the boy learns five key principles that change his way of seeing the world:

  1. Make reality your friend; if you are in a Peak or a Valley try to find out what is the truth that led to this situation;
  2. Identify and enjoy a hidden well in a bad time; this will help to get out more quickly of this Valley; avoid comparisons and do the opposite that put you in the Valley. Ignoring a truth keeps the person trapped in the Valley;
  3. Manage your good times with wisdom, regarding them with humility and gratitude; keep doing better and better things that led up to this Peak; do more for others and save resources for the Valleys to come;
  4. Follow your sensitive vision, imagining a better future in a level of detail such that soon will be happy to do whatever it takes to get this future;
  5. Help people make the good times and bad work for themselves; sharing keeps the individual at the Peak.

Briefly, the way out of a Valley appears only when a person decides to see the events that occur differently in the conventional manner. Recalling the famous Albert Einstein’s phrase “There is nothing more insane than do things always in the same way and expect the results to be different”. The output of the Valley also presents itself when a good that is hidden (a hidden opportunity) is extracted from the bad times, and takes advantage of it. When lessons are learned during the stay in the Valley, this learning can be useful to pass more quickly the next Valley. The exaggerated stay in the Valley often due to fear that masquerades as comfort; and a short stay in a Peak is almost always due to the arrogance that masquerades as security.

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Needs: Why Do Some People Feel Ashamed Of Their Needs?

By Oliver JR Cooper in attitude, Awareness, Happiness, Learning, Life Purpose, Stress Reduction, Success on January 16th, 2015 /  No Comments »

If one was to come across someone who said that they can live without air, one might start laughing or they could think that there is something wrong with them. This is because human beings need air to survive; they could go against this need, but their life would soon come to an end.

As breathing in and out is something that usually happens without one having to do anything, it is generally going to mean that this need is at the back of their mind. This allows one to carry on with their life and to focus on their other needs.

But while fulfilling this need is usually straight forward, it doesn’t mean that one is able to fulfil their other needs in the same way. They could find that it is real challenge for them to have their needs met.

Needs

Although having needs is part of being human, it doesn’t mean that one feels comfortable with their needs. It could be said that it should be normal for one to feel comfortable with their needs.

And if one doesn’t feel comfortable with their needs, it shows that something isn’t right. Yet, just because this is the case, it doesn’t mean that one realises their needs are part of being human.

Inner Conflict

When one is unable to embrace their needs, it is going to mean they are experiencing inner conflict. On one side, they have the need to full their needs, and on the other, this doesn’t feel right.

And if one is aware of what is taking place within them and is able to step back, they might wonder what is going on. This could be something that has taken place for many years and it could then be seen as normal.

Another Reality

When one feels comfortable with their needs it doesn’t mean that they will always fulfil them; what it means is that one won’t feel the need to hide them and neither will they always go without having their needs met.

Their experience is going to be radically different and they might find it hard to relate to someone who doesn’t feel comfortable with their needs. Through having their needs met, they are going to live a more fulfilling life.

Inner Harmony

And as one is not rejecting the fact that they have needs, this is going to mean that they feel different on the inside. This can then give one the chance to work with themselves as opposed to against themselves.

Even if one does deny their needs, they are not just going to go disappear.  What they will do is build up and this is going to have an effect on one’s mental, emotional and physical wellbeing.

Hidden

When one does hide their needs, they are going to be hiding a big part of themselves. Due to how they feel about their needs, it is not possible for them to live an authentic life.

Instead, one has to put on an act and to life a live that is not fulfilling. This could mean that one feels as though they are always running on empty and the people around them might not even know.

False Self

In the eyes of others, one could be seen as someone who is always there for others and they are then not even aware of what is taking place. This could mean that while one is suffering on the inside, on the outside, they are revered.

The approval they may receive from others is then going to make them feel good, but it is not going to be enough to compensate for the fact that their needs are not being met.  It is better than nothing and yet it is not going to allow one to live a fulfilling life.

Indirect

When one doesn’t feel comfortable with their needs, being there for others is a way for them to get their needs met. One doesn’t go about getting their needs met directly; they do what they can to please others with the hope that they will return the favour.

And while this may work from time to time, it is going to set one up to experience more frustration. This is not necessarily because others are always selfish; it is because they are not always going to be aware of what is taking place.

Ashamed

At a deeper level, one could feel ashamed of their needs and this is why it is not possible for them to get them met. They are then not seen as a normal part of being human; they are seen as something to be ashamed off.

If they were to reveal their needs to others, it could be seen as something that will cause them to be abandoned for instance. Their survival is then based on them hiding their needs and acting as if they are needless.

What’s going on?

So as one is going against their true nature, it shows that something is not right and that something has happened to make them this way. What this can mean is that one’s needs were overlooked during their childhood.

This would have been a time where one’s needs were rarely met and one may have had to meet their caregiver’s needs instead. If they revealed their needs, they may have been abandoned, harmed or even humiliated. Their environment caused them to see their needs as bad and not as normal.

Awareness

It is going to be important for one to realise that their needs are normal and not something to be ashamed of. And as their needs were ignored during their younger years, it could also mean that they will need to grieve their unmet childhood needs.

This can take place with the assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a support group. Once this takes place, one won’t feel as needy and they will be able to embrace their needs.

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Emotional State: Can We Change How We Feel By Changing Our Behaviour?

By Oliver JR Cooper in attitude, Awareness, Happiness, Stress Reduction, Success on January 9th, 2015 /  No Comments »

How we behave influence’s how we feel, and the only thing one needs to do to realise this is to change their posture. Many people realise how their body language not only affects how they feel, they also realise how it affects how others feel around them.

There is then an inner change in oneself and inner change in the other person. And one’s body language can make others warm to them for example, or it can cause them to pull away.

Professional Help

If one was experience some kind of emotional challenge and they were to seek professional help, they may be advised to change their behaviour. They might hear that their thoughts, feelings and behaviour are interconnected.

This could cause them to reflect on their behaviour and look at how it is impacting their life. And by changing one part, it will enable one to alter the other parts. The key to having different thoughts and feelings will be for them to change their behaviour.

The Other Way

As this takes place, one’s thoughts and feelings will begin to change. In the beginning, one might wonder how their behaviour is affecting their inner world or they might realise what is taking place.

Once they know what they need to work on, they can begin to make the changes that they need to make in order to feel different. This could mean that one has a few things to work on or they might need to change a number of things.

One Step at a Time

However, the sooner one begins this process; the sooner they will be able to change how they feel. And just like if one was to build a puzzle – they wouldn’t be able to put it together all at once, they would have to put it together piece by piece.

The same applies to making changes in one’s life; it is a gradual process and not something that will happen overnight. It will be important for one to be able to handle frustration and to delay gratification.

The Pull

Although one wants to change, there is still going to be the pull of what is familiar. Just because one’s behaviour is having a negative effect on their life, it doesn’t mean that one can simply let go and do something else.

This is why one will need to remind themselves of what will happen if they continue to behave in the same way and to use the pain that it creates to drive them forward. Through their commitment to this process, they will gradually change how they feel.

Persistence

So if one sticks with this process, they might notice subtle changes or they could feel completely different. This could mean that one goes from feeling depressed to feeling as though they are alive once more.

One could find that they are no longer as angry and that they are able to feel more at peace. Perhaps they used to suffer with anxiety and this has now settled down or even disappeared.

Behaviour

While some people are going to believe that it is always one’s behaviour (or even their thoughts) that defines how they feel, there are going to be others who have a different outlook. One could find that although they have changed their behaviour, they still end up feeling the same.

There is then a difference but it soon ends, and one may feel as though they are simply denying how they really feel. This could mean that one ends up focusing on their thoughts instead and tries to change how they feel that way.

Another Reason

However, what if the reason one feels as they do has nothing to do with their behaviour or even their thoughts? Now, it is clear that how one behaves will have an impact on their thoughts and feelings, and one’s thoughts will also play a part in how they feel and behave.

But this doesn’t mean that one’s behaviour or their thoughts are always defining how they feel. This is because their thoughts and behaviour could be triggering feelings that already exist within them.

Feelings

It is often said that one’s thoughts create their feelings, but this is a half truth. The other side of this is that one’s feelings can be triggered by what is going on in their head and this means they are not always caused by one’s thoughts.

This could cause some people to say that this is because one is not aware of the thoughts they are having, and this is why their feelings seem to come out of nowhere. Yet, even though this may appear to shine the light on what is taking place, it doesn’t take into account the fact that there are more inputs going into the thinking brain from the emotional brain than the other way around.

What Does This Mean?

What this shows is that what is going in the mind is often just the tip of the iceberg, and that it is what is going on underneath that is in control of one’s life. This area under the iceberg could be described as one’s unconscious mind; another way of looking at it would be to say that it relates to what is going on in one’s emotional body.

During the beginning of one’s life, their thinking brain wouldn’t have been fully developed and in operation; this is something that is said to develop around the age of three to five. This was therefore a time where it would have been about feelings and not thoughts.

Emotional Build-Up

The kind of experiences one had during these early years can end up defining whether they have an emotional build up as an adult. Although this is likely to be a time where just about everyone experiences some kind of emotional pain, there are going to be some people who experienced more pain than others and they can carry it around with them as an adult.

Time goes by, and while one may still experience how they felt as a child, they might not be able to see the connection. This is not to say that the experiences one has after these early years won’t have had an effect on how they feel, what it can mean is that these experiences can just add to the emotional build up that already exists.

Awareness

So if one can’t change how they feel by changing their behaviour, it could mean that they have an emotional build up. What happened in the past is in the past, but how one felt during those experiences may have stayed trapped in their body.

The assistance of a therapist, healer and/or a therapist is likely to be needed here. Through their support, one will be able to get in touch with how they feel and to gradually release the emotional build up within them.

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