Needy: Can Unmet Childhood Needs Cause Someone To Be Needy?

By Oliver JR Cooper in Attention, attitude, Awareness, Intention, Learning, Life Purpose, Prosperity on October 20th, 2014 /  No Comments »

To have needs is part of being human and this means it is not possible for one to remove their needs. But regardless of this fact, it doesn’t mean that one feels comfortable with their needs or that they’re able to get their needs met.

Some people are going to view their needs with disdain and see them as being a burden. And then there are going to be others who feel comfortable with their needs and this is going to make it easier for them to get them met.

This doesn’t mean one will always get them met and that they won’t have to go without, but at the same time, they won’t be used to not having them met. Whereas, when one doesn’t feel comfortable with their needs, it could be normal for them to not get their needs met.

Normal

So one person has needs and they’re able to get them met; this is what is normal in their life. And then there are other people who are not in the same position, and it is then a challenge for them to get their needs met.

What is normal for them is what would be abnormal for someone else, and this is going to make their life a lot harder. For ones unmet needs won’t just disappear, they are going to affect one’s life.

Needy

There is having needs, and then there is being ‘needy’. The former is a normal part of being human; the latter could be described as what happens when ones needs are not met. In the words of John Bowlby – “We’re only as needy as our unmet needs”. Having needs is not something that should push another person way, but being needy might have that effect.

Through having ones needs met, their needs are likely to stay in check and this could stop one from being needy. There could be times when one needs more than they usually do; this is part of life and will come down to what is taking place in one’s life.

Two Experiences

So while one person may feel needy from time to time, there are going to be other people who always feel needy. It then not something that comes and goes, it is the only thing one has ever known.

This doesn’t necessarily mean that their needs are not being met, as they could be met. However, no matter what one receives, they still feel the same.  It is then like being hungry and therefore eating food, but the hunger doesn’t go away no matter how much one consumes.

Denial

Just because someone is needy, it doesn’t mean that they will be able to admit this to themselves. Having needs could be something that causes them to experience shame and guilt.

In the eyes of others, they could be viewed as being selfless and only too happy to help others. They then present the image of being needless and this is going cause certain people to reward them with approval.

Needless

However, as human beings have needs, it is impossible to be needless; all this shows is that one doesn’t feel comfortable with their needs. Being there for others, at the cost of being there for oneself, is then an indirect way for them to get their needs met.

Their outlook is: if I fulfil other people’s needs, then maybe they will fulfil my needs. But this is not something that always takes place and one can end up feeling resentful, amongst other things.

On One Side

When someone is always needy, it could be said that they have trouble getting their needs met and how this comes down to the fact they don’t feel comfortable with them. So in order for one to get their needs met on a consistent basis, they need to form a healthy relationship with their needs.

Through becoming comfortable with ones needs, they could soon be on their way. However, if one always feels needy no matter what they receive, it shows that there is more to it.

Unmet Needs

The reason one feels needy is not just because their adult needs are not being met, it can also be the result of their childhood needs that were not met. These unmet needs relate to what happened many years ago, but the pain of not having them met has remained trapped in one’s body.

What they continue to look for from others adults relates to what they didn’t receive as a child. And if ones dependency needs were not met as a child, it is to be expected that one will feel like a needy child as an adult. This is nothing to feel ashamed of; it is a natural consequence of being neglected.

Grieving

So how one feels is normal and even though one has looked towards other people to fulfil these unmet childhood needs, what one will need to do is to grieve what they didn’t get all those years ago. Looking towards other people might not be as painful in the short-term, but it won’t change anything in the long-term.

While grieving ones unmet needs is painful, it is not something that will last forever. One can be assisted in this process by a therapist or a healer; it is not something they have to do by themselves.

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The Role of Karma In Our Lives

By Tony Fahkry in Attention, attitude, Awareness, Happiness, Life Purpose, Manifesting Dreams, Success on October 17th, 2014 /  No Comments »

The Saving Of a Life

Fleming was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while out working in the fields, he heard a cry for help coming from a nearby swamp. He dropped his tools and immediately rushed to the swamp. There, stuck to his waist in black muck, was a terrified boy, screaming and struggling to free himself.

Farmer Fleming saved the lad from what could have been a slow and terrifying death. The next day, a fancy carriage pulled up to the Scotsman’s meagre surroundings. An elegantly dressed nobleman stepped out and introduced himself as the father of the boy Farmer Fleming had saved.

“I want to repay you,” said the nobleman. “You saved my son’s life.”

“No, I can’t accept payment for what I did,” the Scottish farmer replied, waving off the offer.

At that moment, the farmer’s own son came to the door of the family cottage.

“Is that your son?” the nobleman asked.

“Yes,” the farmer replied proudly.

“I’ll make you a deal. Let me take him and give him a good education. If the lad is anything like his father, he’ll grow to a man you can be proud of.”

And that he did.

In time, Farmer Fleming’s son graduated from St. Mary’s Hospital Medical School in London, and went on to become known throughout the world as the noted Sir Alexander Fleming, the discoverer of Penicillin.

Years afterward, the nobleman’s son was stricken with pneumonia. What saved him? Penicillin. The name of the nobleman? Lord Randolph Churchill. His son’s name? Sir Winston Churchill.

What goes around comes around.

The Law of Karma

For many the notion of karma is a common theme permeating throughout life. The adage ‘what goes around comes around’ is strongly identified by those who have been unjustly treated. The understanding that dishonest acts against others will eventually catch up to the offender is strongly acknowledged.

Karma is far more complicated and yet simpler than that. Karma functions within the backdrop of our lives. Newton’s Third Law states that every action has an equal and opposite reaction. There is a cause and effect, so that every action creates another reaction which in turn produces a new counteraction. Thus an endless chain of actions and reactions is created.

In a similar vein to Newton’s Law, the butterfly effect formulated by the American mathematician and meteorologist Edward Lorenz affirms, “When a butterfly flutters its wings in one part of the world, it can eventually cause a hurricane in another.” Lorenz was unifying the idea that events within the cosmos have a ripple effect, which extends beyond the latitude of space and time.

Closer to home, karma’s actions have a ripple and boomerang effect within your life and the lives of others. Karma is simply the exchange of energy from one form to another. It should be viewed as neither good nor bad, since it allows us to assume purposeful action if we are to balance out karma in our lives.

Letting Go Of The Past

In the same way, karmic clutter is the accumulation of past unresolved matters which have stuck with you. You have not balanced out the karma and thus invite the negative consequences of past actions in to the present moment.

Accordingly as you heal the emotional baggage associated with anger, frustration and disappointment by reconciling them with peace and love, balance is upheld. From this viewpoint, karma serves as the preservation of balance – no debt goes unpaid, no act of admirable service is turned a blind eye to. Our actions are supported within the moral landscape of, “Do unto others what you would have done unto yourself.”

However well-meaning your intentions are, upholding your moral duties does not assume others will return your goodwill. We are all endowed with free will, and how others treat you, accordingly, becomes their karma. For we are repeatedly writing the script of our karmic destiny through our actions.

In the scheme of things, bad things happen to good people every day. Our obligation is to live in accordance with our highest moral code, since it allows us to become a righteous population. We can become victims of our choices or write an empowering moral script for the future.

It begs the question, “Does the universe have its origins vested in goodness?” I hold firm that the underlying structure governing the laws of the universe are centred within the foundations of love – which is the highest functioning order. Good deeds are returned in any number of ways when your intentions are honourable and entrusted with love.

The universe is endlessly eavesdropping on your actions, with the intent of balancing out the exchange of energy. It was the Greek physicist-philosopher Parmenides who stated that nature abhors a vacuum. Which means, as you let go of the old (thoughts, beliefs, energy, ideas, and toxic emotions), the universe rushes in to fill the empty void.

As energy is repaid through favourable action, you abide by universal forces when you act in accordance with Nature. Think of universal forces as observing road and traffic laws; everything flows seamlessly when there is order instead of chaos.

Writing a New Karmic Script

Have you noticed how some people effortlessly attract all their desires in a stress-free manner, whilst others always seem to struggle? It might be said that those same people are working with the laws of karma in a conducive manner.

On a personal level as I honour my path in life, I harness the law of karma to function in a meaningful way. Wisdom has shown me that when I am wronged against, rather than seek revenge, I trust karma to balance any improper actions towards me or others.

It is not my place to enact retribution or revenge – my karma is simply to play my role within the container of universal order. It is Dr Wayne Dyer who reminds us to uphold this standard in the following quote, “How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.”

Life is neither fair nor unfair – evaluating life according to this way of thinking fails to acknowledge the harmonious relationship life obliges us with when we play by her rules.

You have the wherewithal to change your future karma through awareness gained within the present moment. Do not be directed by subconscious actions alone. Be mindful, present and aware of your choices.

In closing, I leave you with the following aphorism by the ancient Chinese philosopher Lao Tzu, “Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions; they become habit. Watch your habits; they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.”

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10 Tips For Dealing With Major Change!

By Kevin Dee in Attention, attitude, Awareness, Happiness, Prosperity on October 13th, 2014 /  No Comments »

I have written often about the need for planning, to have goals to aim for and a roadmap (tasks) that will get you to your goal.

Those goals can be personal or professional, they can be about you, the business that you run, a charity you are involved with or any other entity that needs to have a future.

Developing a plan is tough. You have to give it some time and energy, you need to put deep thought into the plan, you will likely need to coordinate the thoughts of multiple people to create your plan.

Executing on your plan is even tougher… because developing a plan is the “sexy” part, execution requires a discipline, routine, stamina and a willingness to keep pushing towards the goal. It can also be very rewarding, as you knock off those milestones along the way, tick off the “To DO” items that you complete and celebrate the small successes you can feel the positive momentum. You know you are moving in the right direction and that, even with the inevitable bumps along the way, you are moving inexorably towards that goal.

Sometimes plans change!

It could be external factors such as economic conditions, regulatory change, market changes or competitive situations. It could as easily be internal factors such as company changes, management changes, new better opportunities arising or staff changes.

Whatever the cause, it is likely to have a big impact on you. You developed a plan, you were working your plan, you have had some success and now the plan needs to change. It is quite likely you will experience the 5 stages of grief, although obviously not to the same extent. However denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance are all likely to be felt!

“Incredible change happens in your life when you decide to take control of what you do have power over instead of craving control over what you don’t.”Steve Maraboli.

So what do you do…

  1. You have to get to acceptance as soon as possible;
  2. Be kind to yourself. Any large change can feel tough initially, even if the change is ultimately for the good.
  3. Talk about it to your trusted advisors, family and friends. Let some of the emotion go so that you can move on to what comes next.
  4. Self talk. Change brings opportunity, good lessons will have been learned along the path and anything you achieved, and experience gained, can be harnessed for the future. Whether the change is due to personal failure, situation change or other factors there is now a new opportunity to pursue.
  5. Understand the change. Listen, ask questions, REALLY understand and under no circumstances be the “naysayer”, sometimes called the “devil’s advocate”. At this stage let other people do that.
  6. Understand how you can contribute to the change. How can you be involved? What will you learn? How will you be viewed? What can you do to maximize the situation?
  7. Begin the planning process again. If it is your project then it is a project plan. If it is someone else’s project that you are a part of, then bring value to them.
  8. Give the new plan a chance. Don’t make hasty decisions. Do not be emotional. Focus on the positives and plan for success.
  9. Re-evaluate. Once things have settled down and execution against the new plan is happening, take stock of the situation. In the cold light of day are you on board with the new plan? Can this work for you? Can you bring value? Will you learn?
  10. Commit. Whatever you decide to do, do it well!

“They always say time changes things, but you actually have to change them yourself.” Andy Warhol.

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Sadness: Why Do Some People Always Feel Sad?

By Oliver JR Cooper in Awareness, Intention, Learning, Life Purpose, Success on October 3rd, 2014 /  No Comments »

If someone had to choose between feeling happy or feeling sad, they’re likely to choose the second option; being happy feels good and being sad feels bad. Based on this outlook, one feeling is seen as being better than the other. But just because feeling happy feels better than feeling sad, it doesn’t mean that one feeling is better than the other.

On one side of the spectrum is happiness and on the other is sadness, and while one side feels better than the other, they both have a purpose. However, if one is stuck on one side of the spectrum, it is going to be a challenge for them to realise this.

The side that comes to mind here is likely to be the side where one experiences sadness. But if one was to always feel happy, they would soon experience another set of problems.

The Grass Is Always Greener

When one is in a position where they feel sad and are unable to change how they feel, they could believe that feeling happy all the time is the answer to their current problem. This could be seen as human nature and how we often think that the grass is greener somewhere else.

But if one was to change their circumstances and live in another way, it could improve their life, but it could also lead to another set of problems. In the beginning, one’s life could seem better and then as time passes, it’s as if nothing has changed.

Appreciation

It is through feeling sad that one is able to appreciate being happy. If one was always happy, they would soon get used to it and it would no longer have the same affect. This is not to say that one should experience more sadness than happiness though.

At times, one’s life will have more moments where they feel sad than moments where they feel happy, and this is normal. As human beings we forms attachments to things and when an attachment comes to an end, we’re going to feel sad.

Attachments

One way to avoid this would be to stop oneself from forming attachments, but then life would be no better. On one side, one would no longer have to experience the sadness that arises when an attachment is broken, but at the same time, they wouldn’t experience the happiness that an attachment brings.

It is impossible for one to have one without the other and while one side of the spectrum is seen as being better than the other, they both have a place. Being sad is part of life, however, if one always feels sad, it is a clear sign that something is not right.

Normal

For some people, feeling sad is something they will experience from time to time and it could also last longer if they have experienced a major loss. So while it could last longer than a day or even a number of years, it is still a temporary experience. It is unlikely to be something that will stay with them for the rest of their life and because of this; they will rise up once again.

This is how some people will experience sadness, but it is not how everyone will experience sadness. There are going to be people who don’t just feel sad at certain times or because they have lost something, it is going to be how they always feel.

How Life Is

It then doesn’t matter what is taking place externally, as they are unable to change how they feel. Their life is then something they’re unable to enjoy; instead, it is something they have to endure.

This doesn’t mean that the people around them realise what is taking place within them; as one might act as if everything is fine. The image they present to others is that they’re happy and that they are never down.

Disconnected

Here, one might have disconnected from how they feel and it is then not only the people around them who are unaware of what is really taking place, one is also in the same position. Or one might embrace how they feel certain times and then avoid it at others.

There are also going to be people who don’t avoid how they feel and they could be labelled as being ‘depressed’. When one feels this way it can cause them to retract from life and to become more introverted. This is an act of self protection and a way for one to stop themselves from experiencing even more pain.

One Outlook

If one feels sad all the time and it doesn’t matter what they do or even how they think, they could be diagnosed as having some kind of chemical imbalance. Perhaps one is seen as being born this way or that their genetics are the problem.

Some people might say that it is ones thoughts that are causing them to feel sad and that they need to change them.  Based on these two outlooks, one could end up taking drugs or end up being acutely aware of their thoughts.

Another Outlook

Another reason why one feels sad all the time could be because of the emotions that are trapped in their body. When one experiences loss, they’re going to experience grief and when one is unable to grieve, the grief can stay in their body.

It is then no longer a temporary experience and something one gradually overcomes; it is something that defines them. One is then in a constant state of loss and while they might no longer remember what happened, the emotional experience has stayed within them.

Experiences

This could relate to the loss of a loved one or the end of a relationship. Perhaps one experienced a childhood where they were neglected or abused and loss was then a normal experience for them.

What happened is part of the reason why one feels as they do; the other reason is that one didn’t process how they felt. As a child, this could be due to the fact that one didn’t feel safe to express their feelings or because there wasn’t anyone around at the time to regulate their feelings.

The Body

The loss, sadness and grief have then stayed stuck in ones upper body and then further down could be the following feelings: hopelessness, helplessness, shame, powerlessness and even death. All the time these feelings remain in one’s body, it is not going to matter how they think or what they experience.

Awareness

So one will need to process their emotional experiences of the past and as this takes place, one will start feel different. The assistance of a therapist or a healer is likely to be needed.  Here, one will receive the support that they need in order to face their feelings.

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