“I will say yes to every favor, request, suggestion and invitation. I will swear to say yes where once I would say no.” – Danny Wallace

“No!” is a wonderful word.

It’s powerful, it’s universally understood, and it stops everything in its tracks. By saying no, you’re instantly slamming the door and holding it shut, ensuring nothing else gets through.

But how many of us say “No!” way too often?

You see, “No” really holds us back in life. It closes us off to many of life’s wonderful experiences, and causes us to resist what happens around us.

When we say no, we’re swimming against the current. When we say yes, we’re swimming with the current.

Which do you think is easiest? Which produces less stress? Which is faster, and more enjoyable?

We say “NO!” to life’s funny randomness, when a passing bus splashes rainwater all over our new jeans. We shout “NO!” to our emotions, resisting and fighting grief, when our pet rat passes away. We yell “NO!” when we don’t get that promotion, which we’d been working so hard to achieve.

Long story short: we say NO to everything, too often.

We fight against what happens to us in life, rather than allowing it to be as it is. We resist it, rather than accepting it. We say “No!” rather than saying “Yes” – or even just “Okay.”

By saying “Yes!” more to life, we go with the flow. Things become more enjoyable and positive, less stressful and anxious, and often the situation turns out for the better regardless.

So, SAY YES MORE.

And what about saying “Yes!” more socially too? Say “Yes!” when you’re invited to that party. Say “Yes!” when you’re asked if you’d like lunch with the boys. Say “Yes!” when you’ve asked to go on that speed dating night, which you wouldn’t normally even consider.

(That’s what Danny Wallace did in his great comedy cum self-help book, Yes Man. He said yes more. It changed his life.)

So, if you’d like to flow more with the current of life… If you’d like to inject a little more excitement into your day… If you’d like to enjoy the random twist and turns of fate…

Then SAY YES MORE.

The Australians call it a “bias for yes.” The Spanish say “Si a todo.” Buddhists describe it as flowing with the river of life. In this book, we simply say yes more.

Try it out, even if just for a week. It’ll change your world.

Say yes more – and you will be happy.

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“If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough.” – Meister Eckhardt

We live in a fast-paced, microwave, drive-thru, Buy-It-Now society.

It’s a society that has forgotten to be truly grateful for the things around it. We only tend to be grateful for things when we no longer have them.

Think of the sense of relief you gain when you just get over an illness, and are so thankful that your turbulent tummy has now settled. Consider how appreciative you are when those tests come back clear. Or when the speeding camera doesn’t flash. Or when you finally find your lost child in the supermarket.

These are the moments in life when we realize how blessed we truly are.

Yet how many of us truly appreciate that on a day-to-day basis?

My guess is very few of us. We only become grateful of things when we think we don’t have them.

But here’s the thing: by counting our blessings every day, in a very literal way, we become happier people. Research across the globe in countless studies has proven this over and over again.

So, when was the last time YOU were truly grateful?

Think of all the wonderful things you have to be grateful for right now. It could be your family. Or your health. Maybe your home. Your friends. Your brain. Your heart. Your spirit. Even your DVD collection.

We’ve all got amazing things in our own lives that make us smile with joy. Things that bring a secret, loving tear to our eyes.

And if we can only learn to count these blessings every day, we’ll discover a true happiness and greater appreciation of the beautiful world we surround ourselves with.

So, if you can, make that part of your daily ritual. Count your blessings, briefly in the morning, and briefly at night. Then smile at the world for sending such great things your way.

Be grateful – and you will be happy.

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“Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in this world.” – Helen Keller

Oh, come on. Admit it.

We all do it every single day.

Everybody enjoys wallowing in a little self-pity. It feels great to remind ourselves how terrible the world is. How we’ve not been given the right opportunities. How people are against us. How life has been a real struggle this past year.

Right?

But here’s a true secret to happiness. And it’s probably the biggest, easiest and quickest happiness secret you’ll stumble across. Ever.

If you want to be happy – just stop feeling sorry for yourself.

Self-pity, you see, is the worst kind of emotion. It eats up everything around, except itself. Soon, self-pity is all that exists, and you’re left feeling sorry for how poorly life has been treating you.

We’ve all felt like that, right?

Maybe you feel like life has dealt you a bad hand. Perhaps you’ve lost money, family or health. It could be that you’ve missed out on so many opportunities that others have been easily granted – and you think that fate really HAS been unfair to you.

And that viewpoint might even be 100% correct.

But STOP feeling sorry for yourself.

It’s not going to help the situation. It’ll only help you to wallow in a state of apathy, playing the victim. The kind of person that things happen to, but that can’t do anything about it. By stopping feeling sorry for yourself, you can actually get on and DO something about it.

Trust me on this one. This is the biggest ever technique for putting a smile onto your face.

If you want to be happy – stop feeling sorry for yourself.

You could close this book right now and you’d already hold the wisdom of ten thousand self-development courses, and double that number of self-help gurus.

And it’s so simple. In fact, it’s worth repeating (and rewording) one more time:

Stop feeling sorry for yourself – and you will be happy.

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How exciting to start a race without a clear direction to the finish line. As I blasted across the starting line, my heart racing and senses on high alert, my fellow hashers and I looked like a bunch of blood hounds desperately searching for clues and signs to follow. Always working as a team I could  hear someone yell “On, On” meaning they had found  “True Trail” and were heading in the correct direction.  When I found the marks of True Trail I was at once excited and reassured that I was finally on the correct path. There were no guarantees for success. Many would find their way, some would arrive faster than others, and a few remained lost until we sent out search teams. I have been lead through shopping malls, flea markets, across golf courses, up hills, and down many blind alleys.

In the end it was never about who came in first or last, but about the thrill of the adventure, following our intuition, working with team mates, laughing, cursing, and always smiling over finding the elusive True Trail or the frustration of yet another dead end.  The finish line was always a celebration of the hunt, of comradeship, and living life to the fullest.  Of all my road racing events, my time with my fellow Hashers has provided me with the biggest smiles and fondest memories.

“Wow, what a wonderful metaphor for life. I often step back and look at my life and wonder, “Am I On, On”, am I on “True Trail” or am I chasing a rabbit down a blind alley or worse yet, just settling for the same old comfortable trail?”

There are many lessons to be learned from the Hash House Harrier experience which  applies to finding Balance in our Minds, Bodies and Spirits:

1. The path to finding one’s true trail works well in a community with a common goal.

2. The willingness to take a risk going down a false trail in life but ready to make the necessary course alteration to find your  true trail.

3. Finding true trail requires an open heart and an adventurous spirit.

4. A willingness to leave your ego at home, not afraid to fail, look foolish, or asking someone for help is a formula for success.

5. Finding true trail is about the journey, the joy of seeking, learning, working together, the exhilaration of being a member of a team, and the joy of just doing it.

6. Learning to trust your inner voice, your intuition, and willing to take a Leap of Faith to find the answers.

7. Knowing that the risk of finding true trail may mean letting go of a strongly held belief or core value which we have held our entire life.

8. The rewards of finding true trail can be the joy of knowing your life is in balance, your body is healthy, your spirit is soaring, and your emotions are free from the burdens of fear, lack, and the unknown.

9. The excitement of joining others just like you who are seeking, willing to share, who will support you, never judge you, and are ready to catch you if you fall.

10. Ready to keep life in perspective, be willing to laugh, be silly, let your hair down, get in touch with your playful energy, and make every moment important.

Finding your “True Trail” is a metaphor for finding Balance in your Life. It is about opening your heart and mind to all of the wonderful possibilities in life. It is about revealing all of your beauty, radiance, and magnificence  in the human experience.

Happy Trails

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The idea is, very simply, to reach for a positive feeling before you speak, whether it’s in your head or out loud. If you can learn to do this one thing, you’ll be amazed at how much better you feel and, consequently, how much your relationships and your life will improve as well.

Start editing your speech by listening to what you think and say. Find ways to reframe, rework, or recraft unpleasant stories so that you find and share the upside — the appreciative side — of the story. For example, when you’re on your way to a business meeting, don’t repeat in your head the mistakes you made the last time; focus instead on appreciating this fantastic opportunity to be surrounded by other intelligent, competent individuals and how grateful you are to work for such a leading-edge company.

When you’re getting ready for a date, don’t focus on how fat you look in your jeans, how badly your face has broken out, or how little money you have in your pocket. Instead, focus on how great it is that you have the opportunity to spend time getting to know somebody and how exciting it is that somebody’s interested enough in you to devote an entire evening to you.

When you’re relating your day to your friend or partner, tell him or her what you found most intriguing, interesting, exciting, or delicious about your day. What was your favorite part of the day? What did you like most about your week? Who brought you the most joy? What inspired you the most? What are you most anticipating the following day, week, month, or year?

Always ask yourself: Is what I am about to say going to advance the cause of my vision, mission, and goals? Will it uplift the hearer? Will it inspire, motivate, and create forward momentum? If you hear a negative story, simply don’t repeat it. Decide that that story has gone on long enough and be vigilant about not thinking about it or retelling it. This practice will eventually begin to shape your thoughts. And as you model this behavior yourself, the example you set for others will be a teaching mechanism for them, too.

Tell a Better-Feeling Story
You cannot be unhappy without an unhappy story. Negative emotion itself is not unhappiness. Only negative emotion plus an unhappy story equals unhappiness. Likewise, you cannot be happy without a happy story. Positive emotion itself is not happiness.

It needs a happy story to equal happiness. Stories provide the value judgments and meaning that are needed for emotions to become a condition of happiness or unhappiness. A friend provided a great example of this idea:

My father died suddenly when I was working at a job that made me quite miserable. I went home for the funeral, and during the course of a painful week, I realized that my sorrow at my father’s death was hard, but it wasn’t toxic. We shared good memories, I found love with my siblings, I felt bad for my mother but also proud of the life they had shared for forty-five years. I learned that sorrow doesn’t have to be toxic or ugly; it can be beautiful. And

I realized that what was toxic and ugly was my job, so I went back and quit because I couldn’t allow myself to remain in a position that felt so wrong. Something that is hard or challenging isn’t necessarily “bad.”
Improve the content of the story you tell every day about your life, and your life will become that ever-improving story.

Sometimes I joke with my new clients. They’ll ask me how I’m doing and I’ll say something like “Today is my favorite day of the week.” They’ll respond with something like “Wednesday? Wednesday is the best day of your week? Why?” Then I’ll quip, “Every day is better than the day before it in some respect. I’ve learned more or done more or am expecting more or have more to be grateful about. So, yes, today is the best day of the week. And the same will be true tomorrow, and the day after that, and so on.”

In order to successfully tell that better-feeling story, you have to look for a positive, appreciative feeling inside you before you speak. Once you find this feeling, you can speak from this positive, appreciative place, and then you can keep trying to improve or enhance or exaggerate that feeling. You will feel better and better as a result. That’s the point of the storytelling.

Language doesn’t just describe our world; it creates it. Consider some findings. A recent study of young children found that the kids who heard the most words at home while they were growing up did the best scholastically and continued to do the best throughout grade school.

Further, the kids who heard the most words also heard the most constructive words (words of encouragement, hope, empowerment, and love), and these kids excelled at bonding, exhibited the best behavior and self-esteem, and tended to view the world in the most positive terms. One lesson of the study is clear: it’s through language that we create the world, because it’s nothing until we describe it.

About the author:
Robert Mack is the author of Happiness from the Inside Out. He is the resident life coach for Miami Life Center, of Travel & Leisure’s top twenty-five health and wellness centers. Visit him online at:
www.happinessfromtheinsideout.com.

Excerpted with permission from Happiness from the Inside Out  © 2009 by Robert Mack. Printed with permission of New World Library, Novato, CA. Reprinted with permission of New World Library, Novato, CA. www.newworldlibrary.com or 800-972-6657 ext. 52.

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Anger can be debilitating. Not in the moment – we all get angry sometimes. But when we hold onto our anger, it turns to bitterness and poisons our thoughts, relationships, and our lives. By refusing to let go of a hurt, we actually increase the hurt to ourselves. Bitterness has never given even a small measure of satisfaction to a wronged party.

No amount of prayer, meditation, or good thoughts will prevent us from ever getting angry. The potential to get angry is part of the human condition, as is the potential to make others angry. It is what we do with our anger that makes all the difference.

When you are wronged, you have a decision to make. You must choose between holding onto the hurt and becoming bitter or moving on by forgiving the offense. The first step in moving from bitterness to happiness through forgiveness is being conscious of the choice.

No one would deliberately choose bitterness over happiness. Yet so often, indirectly and unknowingly, that is exactly the choice that we make. The biggest obstacle to getting past the hurt is that most people do not recognize the choice in front of them. The easy thing is to wallow in our resentment, never seeing where that path leads. Even though it is obviously in our best interest to be happy, in the moment it is often far harder to choose the path that ultimately leads to happiness.

The connection does not seem altogether obvious. In fact, it seems somewhat insensible that the path to your personal happiness is through forgiving the person who, whether intentionally or unintentionally, caused your current state of misery. On the surface, it appears that would lead only to restoring the happiness of the offender, not the offendee. But in truth, your anger imprisons you and you alone in a cell of bitterness and despair. And no matter how much you want to blame the person who hurt you, no matter how much they may have been at fault, it is a cell of your own making.

Consider that your bitterness does no harm to the person who offended you. None at all. In fact, if you don’t act out toward that person, they may not even know of the bitterness that has taken root in you. It certainly won’t cause them any ill. Only the actions you take to lash out as an extension of your anger will even be felt by the offender.

All too often, those actions will also be felt, and all the more acutely, by your friends and loved ones as well, though they had no part in the offense. So not only will your anger primarily impact only yourself, the secondary effects will be on those you care about, and your enemy will be merely the tertiary recipient of your pent up wrath.

It does not have to be that way. There is another path, and you just need to recognize it to seize upon the opportunity to escape you cell of despair. If you forgive the person that hurt you, you will find yourself quickly and entirely relieved of the bitterness that grips your heart. The key is that in order for the cathartic effect to take root, you must truly forgive your offender. Mere lip service, repeating the words of forgiveness like some sort of mantra will do nothing but add an additional layer of guilt and disappointment on top of your anger and bitterness.

True forgiveness has little to do with words. Forgiveness what is known as a ‘heart attitude’. Heart attitudes are internal attitudes that radiate outward expressions. Although many people feel a sense of closure in forgiving a person face to face, it isn’t always necessary.

While offering your forgiveness to the offender is usually the ideal, you could truly forgive someone in your heart even if you never saw or spoke to that person again. In some cases the offender may be deceased, unreceptive, or simply inaccessible to you. That person’s disposition or attitude toward you does not dictate your ability to forgive. It is your heart; it is your choice.

There is no instant karma in this world. You cannot expect all ill feelings to flee your mind and an immediate sense of peace to wash over you upon forgiving someone. Though it may not happen that moment, it will come. The bitterness in your soul that stems from the hurt will go away. It will. Truly, it won’t take very long. Very soon after you stop clinging to the anger, it will stop clinging to you.
Remember that no one else can take your happiness away from you.

No matter how circumstances may buffet you, no matter what anyone else does to you; happiness, like forgiveness, is a choice. If you make a conscious decision to choose to forgive, the choice to be happy will follow easily.

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From early childhood, Jackson was emotionally and physically abused by his father, suffering relentless and grueling music rehearsals, beatings, and verbal abuse. His childhood abuse continued to affect him all throughout his adult life. In one episode (which was later confirmed by Marlon Jackson) his father, Joseph, held Michael upside down by one leg and “pummeled him over and over again with his hand, hitting him on his back and buttocks.” Joseph would often slam his sons into walls.

An especially traumatic event happened one night while Jackson was asleep. His father climbed through the bedroom window into his room screaming and donning a fright mask in order to teach Michael not to leave the window open at night. Not surprisingly, Jackson had nightmares for years afterwards about being kidnapped from his bedroom.

When we are born, we are whole human beings filled with tremendous potential. We have the ability to express all parts of ourselves and we have a healthy and intact self-esteem. Growing up, we adapt to the peculiarities of our families by adopting a “default operating system” – patterns of thought and behavior we take with us into adulthood. If we grow up in a dysfunctional or abusive family, our innate wholeness and self-esteem become eroded.

Our core beliefs and habitual behaviors are like viruses, infecting our lives, our relationships, and our sense of well-being. The core beliefs that Jackson internalized in response to his life conditioning and childhood abuse—“People will hurt me and can’t be trusted”, “I’m ugly”, and “If I meet others’ needs and expectations I’ll be loved” – were at the root of his living a life filled with tremendous self-loathing, pain, and isolation.

That Jackson’s childhood experiences continued to affect him throughout his adult life is evident in many ways. He underwent plastic surgery to the point of physical disfigurement. At the root of his tremendous empathy for others’ suffering was the well of his own emotional pain and suffering. In a relentless pursuit for the idyllic childhood he himself never had, he built a 2,500 acre paradise called Neverland.

He forewent close adult relationships and surrounded himself with animals and children, with whom he could have a sense of power and feel safe. His history of engaging with unsavory people who used him and his money was a replication of the injurious behavior of his father’s betrayal over and over again. He tried in vain to fill his inner voids through acquiring material possessions that cost him a fortune, and he said that it was only when he was performing that he was truly happy – his only means of feeling loved and accepted by others.

When the bottom of his career began to fall out due to rumors and allegations of child molestation followed by expensive legal trials and settlements, Jackson’s downward spiral began to dramatically accelerate. He continued to spend excessive amounts of money, but he could no longer generate the unprecedented success and record sales of the past.

Instead of getting the help he badly needed, he reacted to his disintegrating life and career by marrying someone who could restore his damaged image and esteem (Lisa Marie Presley), divorcing her and marrying another woman who gave him full custody of their two children, and eventually having a third child by an anonymous donor. He withdrew from public life with his children, and apparently lived the rest of his years as a very lonely and unhappy man.

Michael Jackson went from being a beloved superstar with the world in the palm of his hands, to being branded by many people as a weirdo, child molester, and kook. Instead of judging the person he was or obsessing on the sensationalist circumstances surrounding his death, it is my hope that people will use his tragic death to better understand the power our life conditioning has on who we become as adults. While heart failure may be what ultimately led to Jackson’s demise, it was a broken heart that really killed him.

About the author:
Bestselling author, psychotherapist, and renowned life coach is the author of Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. She is the host of the weekly Life Keys radio show on www.hayhouseradio.com, a popular radio and TV talk-show guest, and a sought-after keynote speaker in the U.S. and Europe. In 2001 she founded the coaching and consulting firm Lauren Mackler & Associates. Visit Lauren’s website at www.laurenmackler.com.

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Ten years of scientific findings from some of the world’s most prestigious institutions have shown that lasting fulfillment and sustainable happiness cannot be synthesized from the material or the physical world. That is, success in any respect – whether it is financial, professional, romantic, social, physical, or otherwise – does not lead to a happy life.

Successful life circumstances, by and large, will not guarantee that you live happily ever after. In other words, there are no purely “happy circumstances” in this life – no circumstances that serve as a one-stop-shop for creating a happy life.

Winning the lottery, becoming rich and famous, being popular, dressing well, driving nice cars, winning lots of awards, being accomplished, getting married and having kids, and creating a model-perfect body will not make you happy. Even being in optimal good health will not net you a fulfilling life. Philosophers and others have suspected this for a long time, but now we have good data to prove it.

What this means is that real, authentic, lasting happiness can come from only one source: you. It comes from the thoughts you think and the actions you take. Happiness is less a set of circumstances that surround you than a set of conditions that exist within you. And those conditions, to a large extent, are self-generated and self-facilitated.

What do you mean by suggesting that we make happiness “the ultimate currency”?

Today, people measure their worthiness and success as individuals by all kinds of symbols and forms of currency: dollars, awards, diplomas, accomplishments, records sold, races won, number of kids, level of education, opinions of others, number of pounds we weigh, number of pounds we can lift, and so on. But when you measure your life this way, you miss the point of your existence. See, as Aristotle once said, “happiness is the whole aim and end of life, the whole meaning and purpose of human existence.”

So if you want to live a happy life – and we all do – then you have to prioritize your happiness above everything else. You have to make feeling good your dominant intent, your primary focus, and the ultimate currency of your life. You have to measure the success of any activity, relationship, experience, event, entity, or endeavor by the joy that you feel in your heart, not the awards on your mantel, cars in your driveway, rooms in your house, stocks and bonds in your portfolio, numbers in your cell phone, clothes in your closet, or kids in your life.

You have to make bliss your barometer and make pleasure and meaning your measuring stick. You have to make happiness more important than anything else in your life. Interestingly enough, when you do that, success washes up on your shores every single time because:

1) a happy life is a successful life, and
2) a happy life brings successful life outcomes.

What is the “principle of nonattachment”? What do you mean, “detach from specific outcomes”? Does that mean to stop having goals or dreams?

Some of us struggle with happiness because we make our happiness dependent on specific outcomes and sets of circumstances. We think things like “if I can only get married, I’ll be happy” or “if I can only get that car, I’ll stop complaining” or “once I get that new job or promotion, I’ll be set” or even “when I get in shape, everything will be all better.”

The truth of the matter is that according to the scientific data, the happiest people don’t make their happiness dependent on much of anything. Sure, there are circumstances that make happiness an easier and more likely proposition – things like making just enough money to subsist, being psychologically healthy enough to filter and control your thoughts, having a strong social life, not being predisposed to depression, et cetera – but many, if not all, of these conditions and circumstances are within your control.

One of the keys to living an authentically happy life is realizing that few, if any, external circumstances can make you lastingly happier. And once you realize that, you can begin to divorce or detach your happiness from specific results, circumstances, identities, ideas, beliefs, and so on. You can learn to be happy no matter what. By doing so, you can begin to take responsibility for how you feel and take charge of your happiness.

If you could boil it down to just one thing, what’s the key to happiness? What principle seems to trump all others?

More important than any other key or secret to happiness is appreciation. The happiest people, those who operate in the upper decks of their genetic happiness set point or range, are what I call “self-serving selective sifters.” They have this incredible ability to always look for, find, and then affirm the good in life. They find beauty wherever they look. And when they can’t find beauty, by which I mean something to appreciate, they look somewhere else. And they follow through on this principle of appreciation in their thoughts, their words, and their deeds.

But if I single out appreciation, then I also have to single out optimism. See, science is telling us that one of the best predictors of happiness is optimism. Optimism, from a scientific perspective, is more than just turning your gaze to the sunny side of the street or calling the glass half full. Optimism is a way of explaining to yourself and others the causes of good events and bad events in ways that support and empower you and your happiness.

By and large, optimism leads to being a happier individual, and pessimism leads to learned helplessness or apathy and, eventually, if it’s bad enough, depression. What’s more, optimism has been found to predict all kinds of successful life outcomes, including presidential wins, individual and team sport victories, high grades, high income, long-term health, and so on. Optimistic people are a hardier lot, more resilient in the face of adversity, because they work harder, persist longer, take more health precautions, and so on.

Which principle trips people up the most in their search for happiness and success?

Most people don’t understand how incredibly important it is to tell a better-feeling story about their past and about their current situation. A lot of people judge their words and thoughts as positive or negative by how they sound coming out, how they look on paper, or how they are interpreted by others. But these indicators never point to the truth.

Positive thinking isn’t about thinking positive-sounding, positive-looking, or positive-seeming thoughts – it’s only about thinking positive-feeling thoughts. It’s about noticing how a thought feels as you think it, say it, and act it out and then changing your approach accordingly. When you remember that your emotional guidance system is there for a reason – to guide you toward better-feeling thoughts, words, and actions – you begin to trust your feelings a little more. And when those feelings don’t feel good, you stop doing whatever it is that made them feel not so good.

You stop thinking the thoughts, speaking the words, and taking those actions that bring you pain. And you begin appreciating your pain system for its ability to lead you toward better-feeling thoughts, words, and behavior. With practice, you become very good at telling the better-feeling story, and you find that better-feeling stories aren’t about denying “reality,” exaggerating, or telling lies. A story can’t be a better-feeling story unless it’s based in truth and honesty.

So what you’re really doing is telling the best of what has happened, is happening, or you expect to happen in your life. You tell your highest truth about an experience, person, or pursuit – one that’s based in an appreciative, loving, empowering, and supportive perspective.

What would you recommend to people who want to be both happy and successful? What’s the magic formula?

If you want to be happy and successful, just worry about being happy. Take the rat racing and pleasure chasing out of the equation as much as possible. Educate yourself in the art and science of happiness. The first step in becoming happier is learning. You must dedicate as much time to becoming happier as you do to other pursuits. You must commit to disciplining your mind in the same way that you commit to disciplining your body, building a savings account, or creating a new closetful of clothes.

Further, you must learn to become more sensitive to the way things make you feel. Most of all, keep in mind that at the end of the day, happiness is pleasure and meaning.

Once you become happy, success always follows. Today’s science supports this claim: happy people are successful across multiple life arenas – social, physical, mental, financial, professional, romantic, and so on.

What advantages are there to adversity? Why is adversity – what you call “contrast” – necessary for living our best life?

Adversity is absolutely critical to growth and happiness for many reasons. First, adversity provides variety in life. See, from a broader perspective, there really is no bad weather. There may be lots of clouds one day or no clouds at all, the sky may be gray or it may be a brilliant blue, the sun may be shining or it may be raining. But there are pros and cons, advantages and disadvantages, good things and bad things about all kinds of weather conditions. The same is true of your life.

Without variety or contrast in life, you would have no options or choices. And without choices or options, there’d be no room for preference. There’d be no room for freedom. And we each have complete freedom of choice in every moment to choose happiness or unhappiness. See, one freedom we have is freedom of action. Freedom of action is our ability to choose one set of circumstances or behaviors over another.

Freedom of action is about creating our environment and the world around us. When people talk about freedom, this is usually the kind of freedom they’re referring to. But there’s another kind of freedom. This second kind of freedom is bigger and better than freedom of action because it’s always accessible and always guaranteed to everyone all the time, no matter what condition or circumstance they find themselves in.

This latter kind of freedom is freedom of thought and freedom of focus. With this kind of freedom, we always have the freedom to choose what we focus on, what we think, and therefore, what and how we feel. Because our thoughts color our feelings, we are always free to choose freedom or bondage, happiness or unhappiness, euphoria or dysphoria. And we have complete and utter control, all day, every day.

Of course, adversity is advantageous for other reasons as well. Adversity helps to weed out weak relationships and strengthen those that remain. Think of the last bad event you experienced. Who was there for you? Who wasn’t? What happened with those people who were there for you? Those relationships softened and deepened. What happened with those people who were not there for you? Those relationships – or at least some of them – disappeared or became less important to you. That’s what adversity does.

Adversity also helps us to uncover character strengths and virtues that may not have been apparent. You’ve heard of mothers who are able to lift cars off the ground when their baby is trapped underneath. Well, the same thing happens with all kinds of adversity. Adversity can bring out the best in people. In fact – and this is a most startling finding from the world of positive psychology – the most common outcome of traumatic life events, contrary to popular belief, is not post-traumatic stress disorder but post-traumatic growth!

Finally, adversity helps us to slow down, take stock, and reevaluate our lives. Adversity reminds us of what is most important in our lives and helps us refocus on those things and reprioritize accordingly.

Optimists weather adversity better than pessimists. And we can learn to be optimistic. Get a good book like Authentic Happiness or Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman or The Resilience Factor by Karen Reivich if you want to learn to become more optimistic and, therefore, resilient in your life.

What’s your perspective on relationships? What makes for the happiest relationships? What do the happiest couples do right?

Relationships are the ultimate test of the other seven principles in the book. Relationships are the last hurdle, so to speak. Believe it or not – and much to the dismay of some of my single friends – married people are happier people. However, they are happier before they get married, not because they get married.

Marriage itself does offer a slight, temporary bump in happiness ratings, but the initial bump does not last and the married individuals eventually return to the original happiness baseline ratings that they experienced before being married. So “wedded bliss” does exist but only to the extent that each person was happy before meeting that special someone.

So, in this respect, the happiest relationships are built by the happiest individuals. And happy individuals, as we have learned, make happiness their dominant intent, their top priority, and their ultimate currency above all else. They detach their happiness from specific results or outcomes, find reasons to feel good and things to appreciate, tell better-feeling but truthful stories about their lives and the world, embrace adversity, learn and practice optimism, and so on.

Most importantly, science has found that the happiest couples entertain the largest positive illusions about each other. Positive illusions is the term psychologists use to describe the difference between how Partner A sees Partner B and how Partner B’s friends see Partner B.

The more positively Partner A sees Partner B as compared with how Partner B’s friends see Partner B, the happier the relationship turns out to be. That means that if you want to have the happiest relationship possible, focus on your partner’s strengths and what he or she does well rather than on weaknesses, foibles, and character flaws.

Furthermore, make sure you both aren’t pessimists. In relationships, the only combination of optimists and pessimists that’s sure to end badly is two pessimists. If you both are optimists or if one of you is an optimist and the other a pessimist, things bode well for your relationship.

Finally, with regard to happiness, relationships trump most other predictors of happiness. Relationships do, indeed, matter. However, those relationships need not be of a romantic nature. Friendships offer many of the same psycho-emotional benefits as romantic relationships.

If people could remember only one thing from your book, what would you want them to take home?

Happiness is learnable. It is teachable. But it takes patience, persistence, and the right approach, one that is based in science.

Happiness is also a habit. With practice, you can learn to be happier. Everything is difficult until it’s easy. And happiness is not at all special in this regard. Consistency is key.

For more information visit: Robert Mack: Happiness from the Inside Out

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The Principles of Successful Manifesting - How to make your life dreams come true.
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It is well to remember, however, that you can also choose from a range of more pleasant learning curves, such as love as a learning curve, authenticity as a learning curve, and success as a learning curve.

You choose your learning curve. No one or nothing else makes this choice for you.

“The Happiness Timeline” is an inquiry exercise based on the idea that we can all be students of happiness and that happiness can be our learning curve of choice. To introduce this exercise I work with a “focus person” at the front of the room. The way I pick my “volunteer” is great fun – for me! I have a big top hat, like a magician’s hat, which holds the names of the students on individual bits of paper. I simply put my hand into the hat, and out comes the name of the “volunteer.” Ta-da! Amazingly, all the volunteers tell me they just knew they were going to be picked.

My volunteer comes to the front of the room and stands before three pieces of legal-size paper. Each piece of paper has one word written on it, and the word represents a particular focus for the exercise. I begin by inviting my volunteer to close his or her eyes, take a few deep breaths, and then start to tune in to feelings of true happiness. I encourage the volunteer to feel and sense happiness in the mind, in the heart, and in the cells of the body, in order to “listen” rather than “think,” and thereby participate with his or her whole being.

I now invite my volunteer to step forward and stand on the first piece of paper, which has the word “PAST” written on it in large capital letters. I say, “As you step onto ‘The Past,’ take a few moments to reflect on the story of your life and on your relationship to happiness.” The key question for this part of the inquiry is, What has your life taught you about happiness so far? Again, I emphasize listening, not thinking. What ensues is a rich conversation full of valuable insights about past events, relationships, successes, wounds, lessons, and joys.

I encourage you, dear reader, to reflect on this great question. Here is a wonderful opportunity to honor your major life lessons on happiness. One way to do this is to make a list of the top five lessons of happiness your life has taught you so far. Write down each lesson, specifically. Recall when you learned the lesson. Name the names of anyone else involved. And assess as honestly as you can a) how learning this lesson has influenced your life and b) how well you have learned this lesson (so that it doesn’t have to be repeated!).

Next, my volunteer steps forward onto the second piece of paper, which has the word “NOW” written on it in large capital letters. Here I say, “Reflect on what is happening currently in your life, in your relationships, and in your work. Notice any major themes. Be aware of any conflict. Take into account any feelings of great joy.” The key question for this part of the inquiry is, What is your life asking you to learn about happiness now? Again, I invite you to reflect on what your life wants you to learn about happiness right now.

Last, my volunteer steps forward onto the third piece of paper, which has the word “FUTURE” written on it. My instruction here is, “Imagine you have now stepped into your future. Take a few moments to review all your wishes for the future. Then see if you can identity any major life lessons on happiness you still have to learn.” When people are honest with themselves, they can identify the lessons they still need to learn about happiness. Sometimes it’s an old lesson, or a current lesson, or a new lesson they haven’t paid attention to until now.

A variation on this exercise is to imagine for a moment that you have visited planet Earth in order to learn one major life lesson about happiness. I call this your “ULTIMATE” happiness lesson. This lesson is so important because it underpins the overall purpose of your life. If you were to learn this lesson really well, it would radically improve your relationships, your work, your health, and everything else about your life. I encourage you to take some time now, or very soon, to identify this ultimate lesson and to benefit from your happiness learning curve.

Thinking about Happiness
Happiness is the new darling of the social sciences. Every day sees the publication of new findings from intriguing studies on “happiness and money,” “happiness and culture,” “gross national happiness,” “happiness and the brain,” “happiness and work,” “happiness and marriage,” and “happiness and spirituality.” This collective inquiry into happiness has gained the attention of us all, including politicians, economists, schoolteachers, health professionals, church leaders, and business leaders.

In the spring of 2006, the BBC science department marked the 10th anniversary of the BBC TV QED documentary called “How to Be Happy” (based on my happiness course) by broadcasting a new six-part series called The Happiness Formula.4 Series producer Mike Rudin and writer-presenter Mark Easton did an excellent job in presenting a most comprehensive mix of happiness surveys, experiments, and opinion polls – many of which challenge us to rethink our most basic assumptions about life and how to be happy.

The Happiness Formula’s inquiry confirmed the existing evidence of a worldwide decline in happiness levels in recent decades. “The proportion of people saying they are ‘very happy’ has fallen from 52 percent in 1957 to just 36 percent today,” reported Mark Easton. Worse still, the number of adults diagnosed with depression or other serious mental illnesses has increased tenfold. Also, a worldwide report by UNICEF on the “critically low levels” of well-being among our children has called for an honest appraisal by government and society of how we live.

An inquiry into happiness is an opportunity to rethink your life. As you deepen your happiness inquiry you get to test the truth of all of your assumptions and beliefs. Sometimes your inquiry will confirm what you already know to be true, and other times it will ask you to let go of ideas that you may have identified strongly with until now. Thinking about happiness takes great personal honesty and courage, but the rewards are also great. Below are five examples of how thinking about happiness can help you to get clearer about everything else that truly matters.

Rethink #1:
Happiness and Money. When people are asked what they need to enjoy “the good life,” the most common answer is, “Show me the money!” This is the right answer, at least to begin with, if you are either one of the three billion people living in the Third World who earn just $2 a day. “Once the gross national product exceeds $8,000 per person, however, the correlation [between purchasing power and happiness] disappears and added wealth brings no further life satisfaction,” reports Professor Martin Seligman.

The majority of people’s big game plan for increased happiness is to earn more money. The fact is, however, that while money helps to take care of life’s basic needs, after that it doesn’t do much for us. Even the very wealthy, such as Forbes 100 club members, who earn millions a year just in interest from their savings, are only slightly happier than the average person – and in some cases they are less happy. Seligman concludes most forcibly,

The change in purchasing power over the last half century in the wealthy nations carries the same message: real purchasing power has more than doubled in the United States, France and Japan, but life satisfaction has changed not a whit.

Rethink #2:
Happiness and Circumstances. Almost everyone agrees with the idea that if my life circumstances improve, my levels of happiness will increase. This is the basis for almost every political and economic strategy the world over. And yet the scientific inquiry into happiness dismisses this theory out of hand.

One leading researcher, Richard Kammann, of New Zealand, reports, “Objective life circumstances have a negligible role to play in a theory of happiness.” Even a big improvement in circumstances, like winning the lottery, has been found to give people only a temporary uplift. Most researchers agree that over the long term, life circumstances influence happiness levels by 10 percent at most.

Rethink #3:
Happiness and Education. A popular theory in society today is that a better education will create more happiness for our children. This has resulted in more tests for preschoolers, more focus on regular exams, and more money spent on private education.

Surely a better education increases happiness, doesn’t it? “Sorry, Mom and Dad, neither education nor, for that matter, a high IQ paves the road to happiness,” states Claudia Wallis, who compiled a report called “The New Science of Happiness” for TIME magazine.9 Clearly, the scientific inquiry into happiness is challenging us to rethink what a “better education” really is.

Rethink #4:
Happiness and the Future. So, at least we can expect to be happier in the future, right? Wrong! Longitudinal happiness studies that record the happiness levels of subjects over the course of 20 years suggest that the best predictor for how happy you will be in the future is how happy you choose to be now.

The fact is, the future won’t make you happy. Why? Because nothing is going to make you happy. That’s right, not even shopping. Let me clarify what I mean by sharing one of my conclusions from my first book on happiness, called Happiness NOW! The conclusion is:

“Nothing in the world can make you happy, but everything in the world can encourage you to be happy.”

Interestingly, what the happiness research has taught the researchers is that their initial inquiry into happiness is based on a limited line of questions like “What determines happiness?” and “What makes you happy?” What the researchers need to do now in order to advance their inquiry is to ask new questions, like “What does happiness mean to you?” and “What have you learned about happiness?” and “How do you choose happiness?”

Rethink #5:
Happiness and You. The modern scientific inquiry into happiness recognizes that everyone can be happy. Happiness does not discriminate. It is an equal-opportunity provider. Leading researchers David Myers and Ed Diener conclude, in their article entitled “Who Is Happy?”: “Happiness and life-satisfaction are similarly available to the young and the old, women and men, blacks and whites, the rich and the working-class.” Happiness research teaches us that the “enduring characteristics of the individual” are more important to happiness than external life circumstances.

Happiness researchers have recently begun to study the “very happy” people for more lessons on happiness. This inquiry is also challenging us to rethink major life issues. For instance, researchers have found a correlation between high happiness scores and marriage. It is too simplistic, however, to say that marriage makes you happy. If that is the case, why are divorce rates soaring? Clearly, we need to deepen the inquiry into happiness and marriage and explore the influence of, for instance, love, forgiveness, intimacy, shared purpose, communication, and kindness.

Researchers who study the “very happy” have also found a strong link between religion and happiness. Again, however, it is not enough to say that religion makes you happy. If that is the case, why are fewer people attending church these days? The inquiry into religion and happiness has to examine more deeply, for instance, the influence of a living faith, the need for meaning and purpose, a belief in a loving God, a sense of oneness, and a spirituality that is bigger than any one religious book.

I firmly believe that the more we learn about the nature of true happiness, the better we will learn to live. I will close this chapter now with the concluding remarks of Mark Easton, the writer-presenter of the BBC series The Happiness Formula. He said,

The logic of the new science [of happiness] is breathtaking. If it is right it requires us to rethink some of our most basic assumptions about how we work, how we live, and what we are trying to achieve. In short, the science of happiness may provide us with a new definition of what we mean by human progress.

This excerpt is taken from the new book Be Happy, by Robert Holden, Ph.D. It is published by Hay House (April 2009) and is available at all bookstore or online at:  amazon.com.

Get your free copy of my new book:
The Principles of Successful Manifesting - How to make your life dreams come true.
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What would it take to make you happy ? A fulfilling career, a big bank account or the perfect mate?  What if it didn’t take anything to make you happy? Well, it’s possible.

Doing the research for my book, Happy for No Reason: 7 Steps to Being Happy from the Inside Out, I interviewed scores of scientists, as well as one hundred unconditionally happy people, and discovered the way to experience a state of inner peace and well-being that’s isn’t dependent on external circumstances. I call this being Happy for No Reason.

When you’re Happy for No Reason, you don’t need to manipulate the world around you to make yourself happy; you bring happiness to your everyday experiences rather than trying to extract happiness from them.
Here are a few tips you can use to become happier – and stay that way:

People who are Happy for No Reason incline their minds toward joy. Have you noticed that your mind tends to register the negative events in your life more than the positive? If you get ten compliments in a day and one criticism, what do you remember?  For most people, it’s the criticism.

Scientists call this our “negativity bias” – our primitive survival wiring that causes us to pay more attention to the negative than the positive.  To reverse this bias, get into the daily habit of consciously registering the positive around you: the sun on your skin, the taste of a favorite food, a smile or kind word from a co-worker or friend. Once you notice something positive, take a moment to savor it deeply and feel it; make it more than just a mental observation. Spend 20 seconds soaking up the happiness you feel.

People who are Happy for No Reason trust in a friendly universe. One of the most prevalent habits that happy people share is believing that this is a friendly universe. When things don’t seem to be going their way, instead of feeling like victims, they look for the lesson and the gift in the situation.  In other words, they believe there is a higher purpose that is supporting their ultimate good.

Try it yourself: The next time you face a challenge, take a moment to reflect silently, asking yourself, “If this were happening for a higher purpose, what would it be?”

People who are Happy for No Reason let love lead in their life. One way to power up your heart’s flow is by sending loving kindness to your friends and family, as well as strangers you pass on the street. Next time you’re waiting for the elevator at work, stuck in a line at the store or caught up in traffic, send a silent wish to the people you see for their happiness, well-being, and health.  Simply wishing them well switches on the “pump” in your own heart that generates love and creates a strong current of happiness.

People who are Happy for No Reason make the cells in their body happy.  They create the physiology of happiness. The way that you eat, move, rest, and even your facial expression can release your body’s natural happiness-enhancing neurochemicals: endorphins, serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine. To dispense some extra “happiness juices” – smile.

Scientists have discovered that smiling decreases stress hormones and boosts happiness chemicals, which increase the body’s T-cells, reduce pain, and enhance relaxation. You may not feel like it, but smiling – even artificially to begin with – starts the ball rolling and will turn into a real smile in short order.

People who are Happy for No Reason surround themselves with support. We catch the emotions of those around us just like we catch their colds – it’s called emotional contagion.  So it’s important to make wise choices about the company you keep.

Create appropriate boundaries with emotional bullies and “happiness vampires” who suck the life out of you.  Develop your happiness “dream team” – a mastermind or support group you meet with regularly to keep you steady on the path of raising your happiness.

“Happily ever after” isn’t just for fairytales or for only the lucky few.  Imagine experiencing inner peace and well being as the backdrop for everything else in your life. When you’re Happy for No Reason, it’s not that your life always looks perfect – it’s that however it looks, you’ll still be happy!

Paperback Book Release Special:
Based on the New York Times bestseller Happy from No Reason: 7 Steps to Being Happy from the Inside Out, which offers a revolutionary approach to experiencing deep and lasting happiness. To order the newly released paperback and receive free bonus gifts, go to: happyfornoreason.com

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The Principles of Successful Manifesting - How to make your life dreams come true.
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