The idea is, very simply, to reach for a positive feeling before you speak, whether it’s in your head or out loud. If you can learn to do this one thing, you’ll be amazed at how much better you feel and, consequently, how much your relationships and your life will improve as well.

Start editing your speech by listening to what you think and say. Find ways to reframe, rework, or recraft unpleasant stories so that you find and share the upside — the appreciative side — of the story. For example, when you’re on your way to a business meeting, don’t repeat in your head the mistakes you made the last time; focus instead on appreciating this fantastic opportunity to be surrounded by other intelligent, competent individuals and how grateful you are to work for such a leading-edge company.

When you’re getting ready for a date, don’t focus on how fat you look in your jeans, how badly your face has broken out, or how little money you have in your pocket. Instead, focus on how great it is that you have the opportunity to spend time getting to know somebody and how exciting it is that somebody’s interested enough in you to devote an entire evening to you.

When you’re relating your day to your friend or partner, tell him or her what you found most intriguing, interesting, exciting, or delicious about your day. What was your favorite part of the day? What did you like most about your week? Who brought you the most joy? What inspired you the most? What are you most anticipating the following day, week, month, or year?

Always ask yourself: Is what I am about to say going to advance the cause of my vision, mission, and goals? Will it uplift the hearer? Will it inspire, motivate, and create forward momentum? If you hear a negative story, simply don’t repeat it. Decide that that story has gone on long enough and be vigilant about not thinking about it or retelling it. This practice will eventually begin to shape your thoughts. And as you model this behavior yourself, the example you set for others will be a teaching mechanism for them, too.

Tell a Better-Feeling Story
You cannot be unhappy without an unhappy story. Negative emotion itself is not unhappiness. Only negative emotion plus an unhappy story equals unhappiness. Likewise, you cannot be happy without a happy story. Positive emotion itself is not happiness.

It needs a happy story to equal happiness. Stories provide the value judgments and meaning that are needed for emotions to become a condition of happiness or unhappiness. A friend provided a great example of this idea:

My father died suddenly when I was working at a job that made me quite miserable. I went home for the funeral, and during the course of a painful week, I realized that my sorrow at my father’s death was hard, but it wasn’t toxic. We shared good memories, I found love with my siblings, I felt bad for my mother but also proud of the life they had shared for forty-five years. I learned that sorrow doesn’t have to be toxic or ugly; it can be beautiful. And

I realized that what was toxic and ugly was my job, so I went back and quit because I couldn’t allow myself to remain in a position that felt so wrong. Something that is hard or challenging isn’t necessarily “bad.”
Improve the content of the story you tell every day about your life, and your life will become that ever-improving story.

Sometimes I joke with my new clients. They’ll ask me how I’m doing and I’ll say something like “Today is my favorite day of the week.” They’ll respond with something like “Wednesday? Wednesday is the best day of your week? Why?” Then I’ll quip, “Every day is better than the day before it in some respect. I’ve learned more or done more or am expecting more or have more to be grateful about. So, yes, today is the best day of the week. And the same will be true tomorrow, and the day after that, and so on.”

In order to successfully tell that better-feeling story, you have to look for a positive, appreciative feeling inside you before you speak. Once you find this feeling, you can speak from this positive, appreciative place, and then you can keep trying to improve or enhance or exaggerate that feeling. You will feel better and better as a result. That’s the point of the storytelling.

Language doesn’t just describe our world; it creates it. Consider some findings. A recent study of young children found that the kids who heard the most words at home while they were growing up did the best scholastically and continued to do the best throughout grade school.

Further, the kids who heard the most words also heard the most constructive words (words of encouragement, hope, empowerment, and love), and these kids excelled at bonding, exhibited the best behavior and self-esteem, and tended to view the world in the most positive terms. One lesson of the study is clear: it’s through language that we create the world, because it’s nothing until we describe it.

About the author:
Robert Mack is the author of Happiness from the Inside Out. He is the resident life coach for Miami Life Center, of Travel & Leisure’s top twenty-five health and wellness centers. Visit him online at:
www.happinessfromtheinsideout.com.

Excerpted with permission from Happiness from the Inside Out  © 2009 by Robert Mack. Printed with permission of New World Library, Novato, CA. Reprinted with permission of New World Library, Novato, CA. www.newworldlibrary.com or 800-972-6657 ext. 52.

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Anger can be debilitating. Not in the moment – we all get angry sometimes. But when we hold onto our anger, it turns to bitterness and poisons our thoughts, relationships, and our lives. By refusing to let go of a hurt, we actually increase the hurt to ourselves. Bitterness has never given even a small measure of satisfaction to a wronged party.

No amount of prayer, meditation, or good thoughts will prevent us from ever getting angry. The potential to get angry is part of the human condition, as is the potential to make others angry. It is what we do with our anger that makes all the difference.

When you are wronged, you have a decision to make. You must choose between holding onto the hurt and becoming bitter or moving on by forgiving the offense. The first step in moving from bitterness to happiness through forgiveness is being conscious of the choice.

No one would deliberately choose bitterness over happiness. Yet so often, indirectly and unknowingly, that is exactly the choice that we make. The biggest obstacle to getting past the hurt is that most people do not recognize the choice in front of them. The easy thing is to wallow in our resentment, never seeing where that path leads. Even though it is obviously in our best interest to be happy, in the moment it is often far harder to choose the path that ultimately leads to happiness.

The connection does not seem altogether obvious. In fact, it seems somewhat insensible that the path to your personal happiness is through forgiving the person who, whether intentionally or unintentionally, caused your current state of misery. On the surface, it appears that would lead only to restoring the happiness of the offender, not the offendee. But in truth, your anger imprisons you and you alone in a cell of bitterness and despair. And no matter how much you want to blame the person who hurt you, no matter how much they may have been at fault, it is a cell of your own making.

Consider that your bitterness does no harm to the person who offended you. None at all. In fact, if you don’t act out toward that person, they may not even know of the bitterness that has taken root in you. It certainly won’t cause them any ill. Only the actions you take to lash out as an extension of your anger will even be felt by the offender.

All too often, those actions will also be felt, and all the more acutely, by your friends and loved ones as well, though they had no part in the offense. So not only will your anger primarily impact only yourself, the secondary effects will be on those you care about, and your enemy will be merely the tertiary recipient of your pent up wrath.

It does not have to be that way. There is another path, and you just need to recognize it to seize upon the opportunity to escape you cell of despair. If you forgive the person that hurt you, you will find yourself quickly and entirely relieved of the bitterness that grips your heart. The key is that in order for the cathartic effect to take root, you must truly forgive your offender. Mere lip service, repeating the words of forgiveness like some sort of mantra will do nothing but add an additional layer of guilt and disappointment on top of your anger and bitterness.

True forgiveness has little to do with words. Forgiveness what is known as a ‘heart attitude’. Heart attitudes are internal attitudes that radiate outward expressions. Although many people feel a sense of closure in forgiving a person face to face, it isn’t always necessary.

While offering your forgiveness to the offender is usually the ideal, you could truly forgive someone in your heart even if you never saw or spoke to that person again. In some cases the offender may be deceased, unreceptive, or simply inaccessible to you. That person’s disposition or attitude toward you does not dictate your ability to forgive. It is your heart; it is your choice.

There is no instant karma in this world. You cannot expect all ill feelings to flee your mind and an immediate sense of peace to wash over you upon forgiving someone. Though it may not happen that moment, it will come. The bitterness in your soul that stems from the hurt will go away. It will. Truly, it won’t take very long. Very soon after you stop clinging to the anger, it will stop clinging to you.
Remember that no one else can take your happiness away from you.

No matter how circumstances may buffet you, no matter what anyone else does to you; happiness, like forgiveness, is a choice. If you make a conscious decision to choose to forgive, the choice to be happy will follow easily.

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From early childhood, Jackson was emotionally and physically abused by his father, suffering relentless and grueling music rehearsals, beatings, and verbal abuse. His childhood abuse continued to affect him all throughout his adult life. In one episode (which was later confirmed by Marlon Jackson) his father, Joseph, held Michael upside down by one leg and “pummeled him over and over again with his hand, hitting him on his back and buttocks.” Joseph would often slam his sons into walls.

An especially traumatic event happened one night while Jackson was asleep. His father climbed through the bedroom window into his room screaming and donning a fright mask in order to teach Michael not to leave the window open at night. Not surprisingly, Jackson had nightmares for years afterwards about being kidnapped from his bedroom.

When we are born, we are whole human beings filled with tremendous potential. We have the ability to express all parts of ourselves and we have a healthy and intact self-esteem. Growing up, we adapt to the peculiarities of our families by adopting a “default operating system” – patterns of thought and behavior we take with us into adulthood. If we grow up in a dysfunctional or abusive family, our innate wholeness and self-esteem become eroded.

Our core beliefs and habitual behaviors are like viruses, infecting our lives, our relationships, and our sense of well-being. The core beliefs that Jackson internalized in response to his life conditioning and childhood abuse—“People will hurt me and can’t be trusted”, “I’m ugly”, and “If I meet others’ needs and expectations I’ll be loved” – were at the root of his living a life filled with tremendous self-loathing, pain, and isolation.

That Jackson’s childhood experiences continued to affect him throughout his adult life is evident in many ways. He underwent plastic surgery to the point of physical disfigurement. At the root of his tremendous empathy for others’ suffering was the well of his own emotional pain and suffering. In a relentless pursuit for the idyllic childhood he himself never had, he built a 2,500 acre paradise called Neverland.

He forewent close adult relationships and surrounded himself with animals and children, with whom he could have a sense of power and feel safe. His history of engaging with unsavory people who used him and his money was a replication of the injurious behavior of his father’s betrayal over and over again. He tried in vain to fill his inner voids through acquiring material possessions that cost him a fortune, and he said that it was only when he was performing that he was truly happy – his only means of feeling loved and accepted by others.

When the bottom of his career began to fall out due to rumors and allegations of child molestation followed by expensive legal trials and settlements, Jackson’s downward spiral began to dramatically accelerate. He continued to spend excessive amounts of money, but he could no longer generate the unprecedented success and record sales of the past.

Instead of getting the help he badly needed, he reacted to his disintegrating life and career by marrying someone who could restore his damaged image and esteem (Lisa Marie Presley), divorcing her and marrying another woman who gave him full custody of their two children, and eventually having a third child by an anonymous donor. He withdrew from public life with his children, and apparently lived the rest of his years as a very lonely and unhappy man.

Michael Jackson went from being a beloved superstar with the world in the palm of his hands, to being branded by many people as a weirdo, child molester, and kook. Instead of judging the person he was or obsessing on the sensationalist circumstances surrounding his death, it is my hope that people will use his tragic death to better understand the power our life conditioning has on who we become as adults. While heart failure may be what ultimately led to Jackson’s demise, it was a broken heart that really killed him.

About the author:
Bestselling author, psychotherapist, and renowned life coach is the author of Solemate: Master the Art of Aloneness & Transform Your Life. She is the host of the weekly Life Keys radio show on www.hayhouseradio.com, a popular radio and TV talk-show guest, and a sought-after keynote speaker in the U.S. and Europe. In 2001 she founded the coaching and consulting firm Lauren Mackler & Associates. Visit Lauren’s website at www.laurenmackler.com.

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Ten years of scientific findings from some of the world’s most prestigious institutions have shown that lasting fulfillment and sustainable happiness cannot be synthesized from the material or the physical world. That is, success in any respect – whether it is financial, professional, romantic, social, physical, or otherwise – does not lead to a happy life.

Successful life circumstances, by and large, will not guarantee that you live happily ever after. In other words, there are no purely “happy circumstances” in this life – no circumstances that serve as a one-stop-shop for creating a happy life.

Winning the lottery, becoming rich and famous, being popular, dressing well, driving nice cars, winning lots of awards, being accomplished, getting married and having kids, and creating a model-perfect body will not make you happy. Even being in optimal good health will not net you a fulfilling life. Philosophers and others have suspected this for a long time, but now we have good data to prove it.

What this means is that real, authentic, lasting happiness can come from only one source: you. It comes from the thoughts you think and the actions you take. Happiness is less a set of circumstances that surround you than a set of conditions that exist within you. And those conditions, to a large extent, are self-generated and self-facilitated.

What do you mean by suggesting that we make happiness “the ultimate currency”?

Today, people measure their worthiness and success as individuals by all kinds of symbols and forms of currency: dollars, awards, diplomas, accomplishments, records sold, races won, number of kids, level of education, opinions of others, number of pounds we weigh, number of pounds we can lift, and so on. But when you measure your life this way, you miss the point of your existence. See, as Aristotle once said, “happiness is the whole aim and end of life, the whole meaning and purpose of human existence.”

So if you want to live a happy life – and we all do – then you have to prioritize your happiness above everything else. You have to make feeling good your dominant intent, your primary focus, and the ultimate currency of your life. You have to measure the success of any activity, relationship, experience, event, entity, or endeavor by the joy that you feel in your heart, not the awards on your mantel, cars in your driveway, rooms in your house, stocks and bonds in your portfolio, numbers in your cell phone, clothes in your closet, or kids in your life.

You have to make bliss your barometer and make pleasure and meaning your measuring stick. You have to make happiness more important than anything else in your life. Interestingly enough, when you do that, success washes up on your shores every single time because:

1) a happy life is a successful life, and
2) a happy life brings successful life outcomes.

What is the “principle of nonattachment”? What do you mean, “detach from specific outcomes”? Does that mean to stop having goals or dreams?

Some of us struggle with happiness because we make our happiness dependent on specific outcomes and sets of circumstances. We think things like “if I can only get married, I’ll be happy” or “if I can only get that car, I’ll stop complaining” or “once I get that new job or promotion, I’ll be set” or even “when I get in shape, everything will be all better.”

The truth of the matter is that according to the scientific data, the happiest people don’t make their happiness dependent on much of anything. Sure, there are circumstances that make happiness an easier and more likely proposition – things like making just enough money to subsist, being psychologically healthy enough to filter and control your thoughts, having a strong social life, not being predisposed to depression, et cetera – but many, if not all, of these conditions and circumstances are within your control.

One of the keys to living an authentically happy life is realizing that few, if any, external circumstances can make you lastingly happier. And once you realize that, you can begin to divorce or detach your happiness from specific results, circumstances, identities, ideas, beliefs, and so on. You can learn to be happy no matter what. By doing so, you can begin to take responsibility for how you feel and take charge of your happiness.

If you could boil it down to just one thing, what’s the key to happiness? What principle seems to trump all others?

More important than any other key or secret to happiness is appreciation. The happiest people, those who operate in the upper decks of their genetic happiness set point or range, are what I call “self-serving selective sifters.” They have this incredible ability to always look for, find, and then affirm the good in life. They find beauty wherever they look. And when they can’t find beauty, by which I mean something to appreciate, they look somewhere else. And they follow through on this principle of appreciation in their thoughts, their words, and their deeds.

But if I single out appreciation, then I also have to single out optimism. See, science is telling us that one of the best predictors of happiness is optimism. Optimism, from a scientific perspective, is more than just turning your gaze to the sunny side of the street or calling the glass half full. Optimism is a way of explaining to yourself and others the causes of good events and bad events in ways that support and empower you and your happiness.

By and large, optimism leads to being a happier individual, and pessimism leads to learned helplessness or apathy and, eventually, if it’s bad enough, depression. What’s more, optimism has been found to predict all kinds of successful life outcomes, including presidential wins, individual and team sport victories, high grades, high income, long-term health, and so on. Optimistic people are a hardier lot, more resilient in the face of adversity, because they work harder, persist longer, take more health precautions, and so on.

Which principle trips people up the most in their search for happiness and success?

Most people don’t understand how incredibly important it is to tell a better-feeling story about their past and about their current situation. A lot of people judge their words and thoughts as positive or negative by how they sound coming out, how they look on paper, or how they are interpreted by others. But these indicators never point to the truth.

Positive thinking isn’t about thinking positive-sounding, positive-looking, or positive-seeming thoughts – it’s only about thinking positive-feeling thoughts. It’s about noticing how a thought feels as you think it, say it, and act it out and then changing your approach accordingly. When you remember that your emotional guidance system is there for a reason – to guide you toward better-feeling thoughts, words, and actions – you begin to trust your feelings a little more. And when those feelings don’t feel good, you stop doing whatever it is that made them feel not so good.

You stop thinking the thoughts, speaking the words, and taking those actions that bring you pain. And you begin appreciating your pain system for its ability to lead you toward better-feeling thoughts, words, and behavior. With practice, you become very good at telling the better-feeling story, and you find that better-feeling stories aren’t about denying “reality,” exaggerating, or telling lies. A story can’t be a better-feeling story unless it’s based in truth and honesty.

So what you’re really doing is telling the best of what has happened, is happening, or you expect to happen in your life. You tell your highest truth about an experience, person, or pursuit – one that’s based in an appreciative, loving, empowering, and supportive perspective.

What would you recommend to people who want to be both happy and successful? What’s the magic formula?

If you want to be happy and successful, just worry about being happy. Take the rat racing and pleasure chasing out of the equation as much as possible. Educate yourself in the art and science of happiness. The first step in becoming happier is learning. You must dedicate as much time to becoming happier as you do to other pursuits. You must commit to disciplining your mind in the same way that you commit to disciplining your body, building a savings account, or creating a new closetful of clothes.

Further, you must learn to become more sensitive to the way things make you feel. Most of all, keep in mind that at the end of the day, happiness is pleasure and meaning.

Once you become happy, success always follows. Today’s science supports this claim: happy people are successful across multiple life arenas – social, physical, mental, financial, professional, romantic, and so on.

What advantages are there to adversity? Why is adversity – what you call “contrast” – necessary for living our best life?

Adversity is absolutely critical to growth and happiness for many reasons. First, adversity provides variety in life. See, from a broader perspective, there really is no bad weather. There may be lots of clouds one day or no clouds at all, the sky may be gray or it may be a brilliant blue, the sun may be shining or it may be raining. But there are pros and cons, advantages and disadvantages, good things and bad things about all kinds of weather conditions. The same is true of your life.

Without variety or contrast in life, you would have no options or choices. And without choices or options, there’d be no room for preference. There’d be no room for freedom. And we each have complete freedom of choice in every moment to choose happiness or unhappiness. See, one freedom we have is freedom of action. Freedom of action is our ability to choose one set of circumstances or behaviors over another.

Freedom of action is about creating our environment and the world around us. When people talk about freedom, this is usually the kind of freedom they’re referring to. But there’s another kind of freedom. This second kind of freedom is bigger and better than freedom of action because it’s always accessible and always guaranteed to everyone all the time, no matter what condition or circumstance they find themselves in.

This latter kind of freedom is freedom of thought and freedom of focus. With this kind of freedom, we always have the freedom to choose what we focus on, what we think, and therefore, what and how we feel. Because our thoughts color our feelings, we are always free to choose freedom or bondage, happiness or unhappiness, euphoria or dysphoria. And we have complete and utter control, all day, every day.

Of course, adversity is advantageous for other reasons as well. Adversity helps to weed out weak relationships and strengthen those that remain. Think of the last bad event you experienced. Who was there for you? Who wasn’t? What happened with those people who were there for you? Those relationships softened and deepened. What happened with those people who were not there for you? Those relationships – or at least some of them – disappeared or became less important to you. That’s what adversity does.

Adversity also helps us to uncover character strengths and virtues that may not have been apparent. You’ve heard of mothers who are able to lift cars off the ground when their baby is trapped underneath. Well, the same thing happens with all kinds of adversity. Adversity can bring out the best in people. In fact – and this is a most startling finding from the world of positive psychology – the most common outcome of traumatic life events, contrary to popular belief, is not post-traumatic stress disorder but post-traumatic growth!

Finally, adversity helps us to slow down, take stock, and reevaluate our lives. Adversity reminds us of what is most important in our lives and helps us refocus on those things and reprioritize accordingly.

Optimists weather adversity better than pessimists. And we can learn to be optimistic. Get a good book like Authentic Happiness or Learned Optimism by Martin Seligman or The Resilience Factor by Karen Reivich if you want to learn to become more optimistic and, therefore, resilient in your life.

What’s your perspective on relationships? What makes for the happiest relationships? What do the happiest couples do right?

Relationships are the ultimate test of the other seven principles in the book. Relationships are the last hurdle, so to speak. Believe it or not – and much to the dismay of some of my single friends – married people are happier people. However, they are happier before they get married, not because they get married.

Marriage itself does offer a slight, temporary bump in happiness ratings, but the initial bump does not last and the married individuals eventually return to the original happiness baseline ratings that they experienced before being married. So “wedded bliss” does exist but only to the extent that each person was happy before meeting that special someone.

So, in this respect, the happiest relationships are built by the happiest individuals. And happy individuals, as we have learned, make happiness their dominant intent, their top priority, and their ultimate currency above all else. They detach their happiness from specific results or outcomes, find reasons to feel good and things to appreciate, tell better-feeling but truthful stories about their lives and the world, embrace adversity, learn and practice optimism, and so on.

Most importantly, science has found that the happiest couples entertain the largest positive illusions about each other. Positive illusions is the term psychologists use to describe the difference between how Partner A sees Partner B and how Partner B’s friends see Partner B.

The more positively Partner A sees Partner B as compared with how Partner B’s friends see Partner B, the happier the relationship turns out to be. That means that if you want to have the happiest relationship possible, focus on your partner’s strengths and what he or she does well rather than on weaknesses, foibles, and character flaws.

Furthermore, make sure you both aren’t pessimists. In relationships, the only combination of optimists and pessimists that’s sure to end badly is two pessimists. If you both are optimists or if one of you is an optimist and the other a pessimist, things bode well for your relationship.

Finally, with regard to happiness, relationships trump most other predictors of happiness. Relationships do, indeed, matter. However, those relationships need not be of a romantic nature. Friendships offer many of the same psycho-emotional benefits as romantic relationships.

If people could remember only one thing from your book, what would you want them to take home?

Happiness is learnable. It is teachable. But it takes patience, persistence, and the right approach, one that is based in science.

Happiness is also a habit. With practice, you can learn to be happier. Everything is difficult until it’s easy. And happiness is not at all special in this regard. Consistency is key.

For more information visit: Robert Mack: Happiness from the Inside Out

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It is well to remember, however, that you can also choose from a range of more pleasant learning curves, such as love as a learning curve, authenticity as a learning curve, and success as a learning curve.

You choose your learning curve. No one or nothing else makes this choice for you.

“The Happiness Timeline” is an inquiry exercise based on the idea that we can all be students of happiness and that happiness can be our learning curve of choice. To introduce this exercise I work with a “focus person” at the front of the room. The way I pick my “volunteer” is great fun – for me! I have a big top hat, like a magician’s hat, which holds the names of the students on individual bits of paper. I simply put my hand into the hat, and out comes the name of the “volunteer.” Ta-da! Amazingly, all the volunteers tell me they just knew they were going to be picked.

My volunteer comes to the front of the room and stands before three pieces of legal-size paper. Each piece of paper has one word written on it, and the word represents a particular focus for the exercise. I begin by inviting my volunteer to close his or her eyes, take a few deep breaths, and then start to tune in to feelings of true happiness. I encourage the volunteer to feel and sense happiness in the mind, in the heart, and in the cells of the body, in order to “listen” rather than “think,” and thereby participate with his or her whole being.

I now invite my volunteer to step forward and stand on the first piece of paper, which has the word “PAST” written on it in large capital letters. I say, “As you step onto ‘The Past,’ take a few moments to reflect on the story of your life and on your relationship to happiness.” The key question for this part of the inquiry is, What has your life taught you about happiness so far? Again, I emphasize listening, not thinking. What ensues is a rich conversation full of valuable insights about past events, relationships, successes, wounds, lessons, and joys.

I encourage you, dear reader, to reflect on this great question. Here is a wonderful opportunity to honor your major life lessons on happiness. One way to do this is to make a list of the top five lessons of happiness your life has taught you so far. Write down each lesson, specifically. Recall when you learned the lesson. Name the names of anyone else involved. And assess as honestly as you can a) how learning this lesson has influenced your life and b) how well you have learned this lesson (so that it doesn’t have to be repeated!).

Next, my volunteer steps forward onto the second piece of paper, which has the word “NOW” written on it in large capital letters. Here I say, “Reflect on what is happening currently in your life, in your relationships, and in your work. Notice any major themes. Be aware of any conflict. Take into account any feelings of great joy.” The key question for this part of the inquiry is, What is your life asking you to learn about happiness now? Again, I invite you to reflect on what your life wants you to learn about happiness right now.

Last, my volunteer steps forward onto the third piece of paper, which has the word “FUTURE” written on it. My instruction here is, “Imagine you have now stepped into your future. Take a few moments to review all your wishes for the future. Then see if you can identity any major life lessons on happiness you still have to learn.” When people are honest with themselves, they can identify the lessons they still need to learn about happiness. Sometimes it’s an old lesson, or a current lesson, or a new lesson they haven’t paid attention to until now.

A variation on this exercise is to imagine for a moment that you have visited planet Earth in order to learn one major life lesson about happiness. I call this your “ULTIMATE” happiness lesson. This lesson is so important because it underpins the overall purpose of your life. If you were to learn this lesson really well, it would radically improve your relationships, your work, your health, and everything else about your life. I encourage you to take some time now, or very soon, to identify this ultimate lesson and to benefit from your happiness learning curve.

Thinking about Happiness
Happiness is the new darling of the social sciences. Every day sees the publication of new findings from intriguing studies on “happiness and money,” “happiness and culture,” “gross national happiness,” “happiness and the brain,” “happiness and work,” “happiness and marriage,” and “happiness and spirituality.” This collective inquiry into happiness has gained the attention of us all, including politicians, economists, schoolteachers, health professionals, church leaders, and business leaders.

In the spring of 2006, the BBC science department marked the 10th anniversary of the BBC TV QED documentary called “How to Be Happy” (based on my happiness course) by broadcasting a new six-part series called The Happiness Formula.4 Series producer Mike Rudin and writer-presenter Mark Easton did an excellent job in presenting a most comprehensive mix of happiness surveys, experiments, and opinion polls – many of which challenge us to rethink our most basic assumptions about life and how to be happy.

The Happiness Formula’s inquiry confirmed the existing evidence of a worldwide decline in happiness levels in recent decades. “The proportion of people saying they are ‘very happy’ has fallen from 52 percent in 1957 to just 36 percent today,” reported Mark Easton. Worse still, the number of adults diagnosed with depression or other serious mental illnesses has increased tenfold. Also, a worldwide report by UNICEF on the “critically low levels” of well-being among our children has called for an honest appraisal by government and society of how we live.

An inquiry into happiness is an opportunity to rethink your life. As you deepen your happiness inquiry you get to test the truth of all of your assumptions and beliefs. Sometimes your inquiry will confirm what you already know to be true, and other times it will ask you to let go of ideas that you may have identified strongly with until now. Thinking about happiness takes great personal honesty and courage, but the rewards are also great. Below are five examples of how thinking about happiness can help you to get clearer about everything else that truly matters.

Rethink #1:
Happiness and Money. When people are asked what they need to enjoy “the good life,” the most common answer is, “Show me the money!” This is the right answer, at least to begin with, if you are either one of the three billion people living in the Third World who earn just $2 a day. “Once the gross national product exceeds $8,000 per person, however, the correlation [between purchasing power and happiness] disappears and added wealth brings no further life satisfaction,” reports Professor Martin Seligman.

The majority of people’s big game plan for increased happiness is to earn more money. The fact is, however, that while money helps to take care of life’s basic needs, after that it doesn’t do much for us. Even the very wealthy, such as Forbes 100 club members, who earn millions a year just in interest from their savings, are only slightly happier than the average person – and in some cases they are less happy. Seligman concludes most forcibly,

The change in purchasing power over the last half century in the wealthy nations carries the same message: real purchasing power has more than doubled in the United States, France and Japan, but life satisfaction has changed not a whit.

Rethink #2:
Happiness and Circumstances. Almost everyone agrees with the idea that if my life circumstances improve, my levels of happiness will increase. This is the basis for almost every political and economic strategy the world over. And yet the scientific inquiry into happiness dismisses this theory out of hand.

One leading researcher, Richard Kammann, of New Zealand, reports, “Objective life circumstances have a negligible role to play in a theory of happiness.” Even a big improvement in circumstances, like winning the lottery, has been found to give people only a temporary uplift. Most researchers agree that over the long term, life circumstances influence happiness levels by 10 percent at most.

Rethink #3:
Happiness and Education. A popular theory in society today is that a better education will create more happiness for our children. This has resulted in more tests for preschoolers, more focus on regular exams, and more money spent on private education.

Surely a better education increases happiness, doesn’t it? “Sorry, Mom and Dad, neither education nor, for that matter, a high IQ paves the road to happiness,” states Claudia Wallis, who compiled a report called “The New Science of Happiness” for TIME magazine.9 Clearly, the scientific inquiry into happiness is challenging us to rethink what a “better education” really is.

Rethink #4:
Happiness and the Future. So, at least we can expect to be happier in the future, right? Wrong! Longitudinal happiness studies that record the happiness levels of subjects over the course of 20 years suggest that the best predictor for how happy you will be in the future is how happy you choose to be now.

The fact is, the future won’t make you happy. Why? Because nothing is going to make you happy. That’s right, not even shopping. Let me clarify what I mean by sharing one of my conclusions from my first book on happiness, called Happiness NOW! The conclusion is:

“Nothing in the world can make you happy, but everything in the world can encourage you to be happy.”

Interestingly, what the happiness research has taught the researchers is that their initial inquiry into happiness is based on a limited line of questions like “What determines happiness?” and “What makes you happy?” What the researchers need to do now in order to advance their inquiry is to ask new questions, like “What does happiness mean to you?” and “What have you learned about happiness?” and “How do you choose happiness?”

Rethink #5:
Happiness and You. The modern scientific inquiry into happiness recognizes that everyone can be happy. Happiness does not discriminate. It is an equal-opportunity provider. Leading researchers David Myers and Ed Diener conclude, in their article entitled “Who Is Happy?”: “Happiness and life-satisfaction are similarly available to the young and the old, women and men, blacks and whites, the rich and the working-class.” Happiness research teaches us that the “enduring characteristics of the individual” are more important to happiness than external life circumstances.

Happiness researchers have recently begun to study the “very happy” people for more lessons on happiness. This inquiry is also challenging us to rethink major life issues. For instance, researchers have found a correlation between high happiness scores and marriage. It is too simplistic, however, to say that marriage makes you happy. If that is the case, why are divorce rates soaring? Clearly, we need to deepen the inquiry into happiness and marriage and explore the influence of, for instance, love, forgiveness, intimacy, shared purpose, communication, and kindness.

Researchers who study the “very happy” have also found a strong link between religion and happiness. Again, however, it is not enough to say that religion makes you happy. If that is the case, why are fewer people attending church these days? The inquiry into religion and happiness has to examine more deeply, for instance, the influence of a living faith, the need for meaning and purpose, a belief in a loving God, a sense of oneness, and a spirituality that is bigger than any one religious book.

I firmly believe that the more we learn about the nature of true happiness, the better we will learn to live. I will close this chapter now with the concluding remarks of Mark Easton, the writer-presenter of the BBC series The Happiness Formula. He said,

The logic of the new science [of happiness] is breathtaking. If it is right it requires us to rethink some of our most basic assumptions about how we work, how we live, and what we are trying to achieve. In short, the science of happiness may provide us with a new definition of what we mean by human progress.

This excerpt is taken from the new book Be Happy, by Robert Holden, Ph.D. It is published by Hay House (April 2009) and is available at all bookstore or online at:  amazon.com.

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What would it take to make you happy ? A fulfilling career, a big bank account or the perfect mate?  What if it didn’t take anything to make you happy? Well, it’s possible.

Doing the research for my book, Happy for No Reason: 7 Steps to Being Happy from the Inside Out, I interviewed scores of scientists, as well as one hundred unconditionally happy people, and discovered the way to experience a state of inner peace and well-being that’s isn’t dependent on external circumstances. I call this being Happy for No Reason.

When you’re Happy for No Reason, you don’t need to manipulate the world around you to make yourself happy; you bring happiness to your everyday experiences rather than trying to extract happiness from them.
Here are a few tips you can use to become happier – and stay that way:

People who are Happy for No Reason incline their minds toward joy. Have you noticed that your mind tends to register the negative events in your life more than the positive? If you get ten compliments in a day and one criticism, what do you remember?  For most people, it’s the criticism.

Scientists call this our “negativity bias” – our primitive survival wiring that causes us to pay more attention to the negative than the positive.  To reverse this bias, get into the daily habit of consciously registering the positive around you: the sun on your skin, the taste of a favorite food, a smile or kind word from a co-worker or friend. Once you notice something positive, take a moment to savor it deeply and feel it; make it more than just a mental observation. Spend 20 seconds soaking up the happiness you feel.

People who are Happy for No Reason trust in a friendly universe. One of the most prevalent habits that happy people share is believing that this is a friendly universe. When things don’t seem to be going their way, instead of feeling like victims, they look for the lesson and the gift in the situation.  In other words, they believe there is a higher purpose that is supporting their ultimate good.

Try it yourself: The next time you face a challenge, take a moment to reflect silently, asking yourself, “If this were happening for a higher purpose, what would it be?”

People who are Happy for No Reason let love lead in their life. One way to power up your heart’s flow is by sending loving kindness to your friends and family, as well as strangers you pass on the street. Next time you’re waiting for the elevator at work, stuck in a line at the store or caught up in traffic, send a silent wish to the people you see for their happiness, well-being, and health.  Simply wishing them well switches on the “pump” in your own heart that generates love and creates a strong current of happiness.

People who are Happy for No Reason make the cells in their body happy.  They create the physiology of happiness. The way that you eat, move, rest, and even your facial expression can release your body’s natural happiness-enhancing neurochemicals: endorphins, serotonin, oxytocin, and dopamine. To dispense some extra “happiness juices” – smile.

Scientists have discovered that smiling decreases stress hormones and boosts happiness chemicals, which increase the body’s T-cells, reduce pain, and enhance relaxation. You may not feel like it, but smiling – even artificially to begin with – starts the ball rolling and will turn into a real smile in short order.

People who are Happy for No Reason surround themselves with support. We catch the emotions of those around us just like we catch their colds – it’s called emotional contagion.  So it’s important to make wise choices about the company you keep.

Create appropriate boundaries with emotional bullies and “happiness vampires” who suck the life out of you.  Develop your happiness “dream team” – a mastermind or support group you meet with regularly to keep you steady on the path of raising your happiness.

“Happily ever after” isn’t just for fairytales or for only the lucky few.  Imagine experiencing inner peace and well being as the backdrop for everything else in your life. When you’re Happy for No Reason, it’s not that your life always looks perfect – it’s that however it looks, you’ll still be happy!

Paperback Book Release Special:
Based on the New York Times bestseller Happy from No Reason: 7 Steps to Being Happy from the Inside Out, which offers a revolutionary approach to experiencing deep and lasting happiness. To order the newly released paperback and receive free bonus gifts, go to: happyfornoreason.com

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Each of us should be deeply happy so that we will be at our best, and will be able to help others to be deeply happy and be at their best as well. When we experience deep happiness, we become more loving, more giving, more patient, more enthusiastic. We become a gift to others. So we should be deeply happy for their sake as well as ours.

Finding Personal Meaning Is the Key
We know from research, the teachings of our elders, and our own experience that finding personal meaning is a key to being deeply happy. If we want to be deeply happy, we have to focus on meaning.

This is not as easy as it sounds. Our culture promotes symbols of success that provide relatively little personal meaning. For example, power is a symbol of success, but there is more personal meaning in service than in power—more meaning in helping people than in ordering them around.

Wealth is a symbol of success, but there is more personal meaning in enjoying the richness of daily life, such as our families, friends, hobbies, and sunsets. Fame is a symbol of success, but there is more personal meaning in being known intimately by a few people rather than being known superficially by millions.

The symbols of success aren’t necessarily bad, they’re just not enough. They’re not enough if we want to find personal meaning and be deeply happy.

Where do people find meaning? They find it in their relationships with their families and friends. They find it in loving and helping others. They find it in doing their best, living their values, and doing what’s right.

The Paradoxical Commandments
The good thing about focusing on meaning is that we can always find it, even when times are tough. That’s the message of the Paradoxical Commandments that I wrote back in 1968, when I was 19, a college sophomore. Here is what I wrote:

1. People are illogical, unreasonable, and self-centered. Love them anyway.
2. If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish ulterior motives. Do good anyway.
3. If you are successful, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.
4. The good you do today will be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
5. Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.
6. The biggest men and women with the biggest ideas can be shot down by the smallest men and women with the smallest minds. Think big anyway.
7. People favor underdogs but follow only top dogs. Fight for a few underdogs anyway.
8. What you spend years building may be destroyed overnight. Build anyway.
9. People really need help but may attack you if you do help them. Help people anyway.
10. Give the world the best you have and you’ll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you have anyway.

The Paradoxical Commandments are guidelines for finding personal meaning in the face of adversity. The paradox is this: Even when things are tough – even when the world is crazy – we can still find personal meaning and deep happiness. We do that by facing the worst in the world with the best in ourselves. We do that by living a paradoxical life.

The Meaning Is in Our Inner Lives
The fact is that, as individuals, we can’t control the external world. We can’t control the world economy, and the rate of population growth. We can’t control the weather, or natural disasters like fires, floods, tsunamis, and hurricanes. We can’t control when terrorists may strike or wars may break out. We can’t control which companies will acquire which companies, and which jobs will be eliminated and which jobs will be created.

We can’t control what other teams will do, or who will get sick or injured, on other teams and our team. We can work hard, and prepare, and seize opportunities – we have to do that. We can join with others, and try to influence the external world – we ought to do that, too. But there are lots of things in our external world we just can’t control.

What we can control is our inner lives. We get to decide who we are going to be and how we are going to live. We can decide to live our most cherished values, and be close to our families and friends, and do what we know is right and good and true, no matter what. When we do, our lives become meaningful and we can find deep happiness.

The decision is ours. So why not be deeply happy?

About the author:
Kent M. Keith is the author of Do It Anyway, Jesus Did it Anyway and Anyway: The Paradoxdical Commandments.  He has appeared in national media from Today to the New York Times.  A former attorney and university president, he is a popular speaker on finding personal meaning in a chaotic world. He lives in Indianapolis, IN. His website is: kentkeith.com.

Based on the book Do It Anyway: Finding Personal Meaning and Deep Happiness by Living the Paradoxical Commandments © 2008 by Kent M. Keith. Printed with permission of New World Library, Novato, CA.

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I believe that the purpose of life is to be happy. From the moment of birth, every human being wants happiness and does not want suffering. Neither social conditioning nor education nor ideology affects this. From the very core of our being, we simply desire contentment. I don’t know whether the universe, with its countless galaxies, stars, and planets, has a deeper meaning or not, but – at the very least – it is clear that we humans who live on this earth face the task of making a happy life for ourselves. Therefore, it is important to discover what will bring about the greatest degree of happiness.

For a start, it is possible to divide every kind of happiness and suffering into two main categories: mental and physical. Of the two, it is the mind that exerts the greatest influence on most of us. Unless we are either gravely ill or deprived of basic necessities, our physical condition plays a secondary role in life. If the body is content, we virtually ignore it. The mind, however, registers every event, no matter how small. Hence, we should devote our most serious efforts to bringing about mental peace.

From my own limited experience, I have found that the greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater our own sense of well-being becomes. Cultivating a close, warmhearted feeling for others automatically puts the mind at ease. This helps remove whatever fears or insecurities we may have and gives us the strength to cope with any obstacles we encounter. It is the ultimate source of success in life.

As long as we live in this world, we are bound to encounter problems. If, at such times, we lose hope and become discouraged, we diminish our ability to face difficulties. If, on the other hand, we remember that it is not just ourselves but everyone who has to undergo suffering, this more realistic perspective will increase our determination and capacity to overcome troubles. Indeed, with this attitude, each new obstacle can be seen as yet another valuable opportunity to improve our mind! Thus, we can strive gradually to become more compassionate; that is, we can develop both genuine sympathy for others’ suffering and the will to help remove their pain. As a result, our own serenity and inner strength will increase.

Our Need for Love
Ultimately, the reason why love and compassion bring us the greatest happiness is simply that our nature cherishes them above all else. The need for love lies at the very foundation of human existence. It results from the profound interdependence we all share with one another. However capable and skillful an individual may be, left alone he or she will not survive. However vigorous and independent one may feel during the most prosperous periods of life, when one is sick or very young or very old, one must depend on the support of others.

Interdependence, of course, is a fundamental law of nature. Not only higher forms of life, but also many of the smallest insects are social beings who, without any religion, law, or education, survive by mutual cooperation based on an innate recognition of their interconnectedness. The most subtle level of material phenomena is also governed by interdependence. In fact, all phenomena – be they from the oceans, the clouds, or the forests that surround us – arise in dependence upon subtle patterns of energy. Without their proper interaction, they dissolve and decay.

It is because our own human existence is so dependent on the help of others that our need for love lies at the very foundation of our existence. Therefore, we need a genuine sense of responsibility and a sincere concern for the welfare of others.

We have to consider what we human beings really are. We are not like machine-made objects. If we were merely mechanical entities, then machines themselves could alleviate all of our suffering and fulfill our needs. However, since we are not solely material creatures, it is a mistake to place all our hopes for happiness on external development alone. Instead, we should consider our origins and nature to discover who we are and what it is we require.

Leaving aside the complex question of the creation and evolution of our universe, we can at least agree that each of us is the product of our own parents. In general, our conception took place not just in the context of sexual desire, but also from our parents’ decision to have a child. Such decisions are founded on responsibility and altruism – the parents’ commitment to care for their child until it is able to take care of itself.

Thus, from the very moment of our conception, our parents’ love is directly in our creation. Moreover, we are completely dependent upon the care of our mothers from the earliest stages of our growth. According to some scientists, a pregnant woman’s mental state, be it calm or agitated, has a direct physical effect on her unborn child.

The expression of love is also very important at the time of birth. Since the very first thing we do is suck milk from our mothers’ breast, we naturally feel close to her, and she must feel love for us in order to feed us properly; if she feels anger or resentment, her milk may not flow freely. Then there is the critical period of brain development from the time of birth up to at least the age of three or four, during which time loving physical contact is the single most important factor for the normal growth of the child. If the child is not held, hugged, cuddled, or loved, its development will be impaired and its brain will not mature properly.

As children grow older and enter school, their need for support must be met by their teachers. If a teacher not only imparts academic education, but also assumes responsibility for preparing students for life, his or her pupils will feel trust and respect, and what has been taught will leave an indelible impression on their minds. On the other hand, that which is taught by a teacher who does not show true concern for his or her students’ overall well-being will not be retained for long.

Nowadays, many children grow up in unhappy homes. If they do not receive proper affection, in later life they will rarely love their parents and, not infrequently, will find it hard to love others. This is very sad.

In the end, since a child cannot survive without the care of others, love is its most important nourishment. The happiness of childhood, the allaying of the child’s many fears, and the healthy development of its self-confidence all depend directly upon love.

Similarly, if one is sick and being treated at the hospital by a doctor who evinces a warm human feeling, one feels at ease; and the doctor’s desire to give the best possible care is itself curative, irrespective of the degree of his or her technical skill. On the other hand, if one’s doctor lacks human feeling and displays an unfriendly expression, impatience, or casual disregard, one will feel anxious, even if he or she is the most highly qualified doctor and the disease has been correctly diagnosed and the right medication prescribed. Inevitably, patients’ feelings make a difference with respect to the quality and completeness of their recovery.

Even when we engage in ordinary conversation in everyday life, if someone speaks with human feeling, we enjoy listening and respond accordingly; the whole conversation becomes interesting, however unimportant the topic may be. On the other hand, if a person speaks coldly or harshly, we feel uneasy and wish for a quick end to the interaction. From the least to the most important event, the affection and respect of others are vital for our happiness.

Recently I met a group of scientists in America who said that the rate of mental illness in their country was quite high – around 12 percent of the population. It became clear during our discussion that the main cause of depression was not a lack of material necessities, but a deprivation of the affection of others. So, as you can see from everything I have written so far, whether or not we are consciously aware of it, from the day we are born the need for human affection is in our very blood. Even if the affection comes from an animal or someone we would normally consider an enemy, both children and adults will naturally gravitate toward it.

I believe that no one is born free of the need for love. And this demonstrates that, although some modern schools of thought seek to do so, human beings cannot be defined as solely physical. No material object – however beautiful or valuable – can make us feel loved, because our deeper identity and true character lie in the subjective nature of the mind.

This excerpt is taken from the new book, In My Own Words: An Introduction to My Teachings and Philosophy by His Holiness the Dalai Lama, edited by Rajiv Mehrotra. It is published by Hay House (September 2008) and available at all bookstore or online at amazon.

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The next step is to try to ‘hold’ the positive attitude you have created, if you lose it repeat the process until it returns. Do this often enough and you will eventually find yourself reacting to problems in a new and positive way. Just through the power of familiarity you will start to view all challenging situations as part of your mountain.

Try to feel that life is a series of mountains to conquer, this feeling will inspire you to take every opportunity to grow. One of the main obstacles to a happy life is that we see difficult situations and people as just that. If we train our selves to look beyond this limited perspective we open up a whole new world.

Every time we choose to go in a more positive direction we are doing something very special with our mind. The processes of watching our mind, spotting negative thoughts or emotions at the earliest possible moment, not following these negative patterns, and actively developing positive thoughts and feelings is the process of successful mind training.

Memorize the four steps of mind training:

• Watch
• Identify
• Let go
• Live

Eventually the process of reprogramming our mind will become smooth and natural but to begin with it is useful to be aware of these four stages. To begin we need to WATCH our mind just by being aware of our thoughts and emotions in different situations throughout the day. By doing this it is easy to IDENTIFY uncomfortable or negative thoughts as soon as they arise and hopefully before they get a strong hold over us.

The sooner we spot or identify negative thoughts or emotions the easier it is to LET GO. If it is too late to let go just walk away from the situation if you can, or distract yourself with something else so that your mind is not being allowed to follow the negative path. Finally if we can we replace the negative with a positive and LIVE. I called the last stage ‘live’ because positive thoughts and emotions are life affirming, healing and mind expanding.

But don’t become too obsessed with this practice if you over do it now it is easy to become tired, our training needs to feel enjoyable, gradual and natural if it is going to be continuous and successful. If you want to begin some kind of gentle training today just start by watching your own mind but again not obsessively or constantly just naturally.

Now and then think, ‘how do I feel, how are my thought patterns today’, without being hard or judgemental, just watch your mind and develop some self awareness. Then if you feel ready let go of any negative feelings and repeat some positive words to yourself like ‘always rely on a happy mind’ or ‘may everyone be happy’ or whatever feels right for you. Start slowly and when you are ready develop a gentle daily routine for training your mind in this way. This gentle but constant approach builds firm foundations for long term change and growth.

When we are going through a difficult time in our life we often dream about the things we would do if things were different and dwell on how lucky others are. Many people who are healthy or materially fortunate have no real appreciation of their freedom and good fortune. Illness and other problems can seem like a prison and good health and wealth the cause of real freedom and happiness.

It seems on the surface that good health and money are a definite cause of happiness and illness and poverty a cause of depression and mental torment. But if this is a universal truth everyone who had a healthy body and lots of money would always be happy and everyone who suffered illness and poverty would be miserable. But we know this is not true.

It can take a long time to really appreciate the depths of this truth but our personal happiness, although influenced by external conditions like illness, is really completely dependent on our mind. It is possible to be physically very ill but to have a positive and peaceful mind.

Take some time to think about this carefully, do you accept this truth? If you do then you have to accept that to fulfill your wish to be happy and free from suffering you must learn to develop a happy mind. Also if illness or poverty can be one of the conditions for this to happen you might be more fortunate than a rich and healthy person! Although they are enjoyable we do not actually need good health, wealth, relationships etc. All we need is a happy mind.

This is a great affirmation to use when you are feeling that the world is against you, just think over and over ‘all I need is a happy mind’ and slowly you will start to feel the truth of this. Of course we shouldn’t abandon money, friends and health there is no need to and if we did we would be very unhappy and so would others. It takes time to change on a deep level so we have to accept that we will still need the temporary happiness we get from money and relationships until we are strong enough within to really let go.

Training the mind is an internal path so we do not need to change our external world too much. Eventually we will be able to let go of these things in our mind, whilst still being surrounded by them and living a normal life. This is important if we want to help others do the same.

We are very influenced by our external world because we are so familiar with it! We spend all our time wrapped up in the external world to the extent that we have almost forgotten that we have an internal world. From the moment we wake up to the moment we go to sleep we are generally completely absorbed in the business of everyday life.

It is very easy to go through the whole of our life without ever spending time getting to know our own mind, yet this is where the answer to all our problems can be found. In some ways having an illness or other kind of challenging difficulty can be very helpful, these things can help us to stop and think. We often need something or someone to help us take a fresh look at life, if we are not going in the right direction the kindest thing someone can do is to tell us and point us in the right direction. In this sense problems might be our best friend.

When we have a problem in life we tend to solve it by changing something outside our own mind. When we have problems with our partner, friends, career we think of looking for new ones. We are never satisfied for long, we always need new things in our life to keep our sense of well being. Consequently our mind is very discontent and dependent upon good external conditions and we experience very little natural happiness from within.

We are always looking for happiness outside of our mind, yet happiness is simply a state of mind. I can’t repeat this enough! If we knew how to find inner happiness and ‘stay with it’ we would not need to put so much time and energy in to arranging our external world in such away that we occasionally find some fleeting pleasure.

Illness or any problem can be an opportunity to begin a new way of life. If we always get what we want when we want it we might easily become a very spoilt, shallow and superficial person. Often we need challenges and difficulties to help us grow, to help us become more whole and complete human beings. The big and little problems that come our way can be a great challenge to overcome and can really help us to develop special inner qualities.

If we ask our self what is the real meaning of a human life we have to finally say that if we leave this world a better person than when we entered it and if we have helped others to change and grow then our life has had been well lived. If we just accumulated wealth or followed our own selfish wishes what use is this? If this life was just a ‘one off’, if at the moment of death we ceased to exist then may be we could justify a selfish approach to life.

But our mind and our body are different entities when the body dies the mind does not cease because it is not produced from the body, in fact Buddhists believe that the body is produced from the mind! According to the law of Karma the body we have now is the result of our actions in previous lives. Positive actions bring positive results, if we have a healthy body this is good karma returning to us created by our previous positive actions.

Our mind is not a physical phenomena like the body, it has no form or shape or colour or taste, although it changes in character and ability from life to life, again according to our karma. We know that animals have a mind but it is less intelligent than most human minds. From the Buddhist perspective this is because animals are again experiencing the results of karma, but this doesn’t last forever, when their animal karma comes to an end they die and new karma carriers them in to a new existence in a new body.

Obviously we will not all feel comfortable with this explanation of the different forms of life that exist but I mention it here because understanding the law of Karma helps Buddhists train their mind. If we feel deeply that our words, thoughts and actions shape our future beyond this life we are going to be very careful how we live and how we treat others.

If we know that swatting a fly or physically harming others may make us experience poor health in our next life we will let the fly live. In fact if we just consider that a fly has a mind and although quite limited in its mental capacity it can still experience pain this understanding will prevent us bringing more pain in to the world. If we are aware that anger is a cause of ugliness and patience a cause of beauty this will also help to change our behaviour!

So in conclusion everyone wants to be happy, even flies in their own way, and in this sense we are all the same, we never wish for suffering. So the real purpose of life is to fulfill this wish and find a pure happiness that never ends and to help others find this. You can find this, many people have, and your problems can help you!

The essential points from this chapter are:
Without a consistent wish nothing will change. Keep developing your wish and your power to change will get stronger. Develop your ability to watch your own mind and identify clearly which are positive and beneficial thoughts and feelings and which are negative and harmful to your self and others. If we can learn to let go of negative thoughts and feeling and develop positive ones over time our mind will become very peaceful, strong and happy. Eventually even the most difficult situation will not disturb our sense of inner peace.

Exercise:
Develop a realistic plan for learning to watch your own mind. Just start in a small way, but be consistent and remind yourself that this is important for your personal happiness. May be just begin with half an hour per day. When the time comes, just remember why you are doing this, the more you become aware of what thoughts and feelings are running through your mind the easier it will become to identify which are good and which are harming your happiness.

It doesn’t matter if you cannot change your mind at this stage, just be gentle with yourself, your ability to change your mind will come in time. Don’t change your daily routine, choose the same time everyday for mind watching and try to do it whether you are talking, driving, working or whatever. Don’t over concentrate, just at the back of your mind try to be gently aware of whether your words, actions, thoughts and feelings are positive or negative.

Don’t be hard or judgmental just watch and accept and continue to act naturally. Obviously if you suddenly feel you want to think or talk in a more positive way follow this positive notion! You could also keep a simple diary of your experiences this can help you to identify more clearly your mental habits and areas that you might like to improve in time.

Now try a meditation:
When your mind has settled down develop a good intention like ‘may every living being benefit from this meditation’. Spend a few minutes doing the gentle breathing meditation explained in chapter 4. Then meditate using the following contemplation:

We need to develop the consistent wish to change. Think about how your life has been in the past and what it will be like in the future if you do not change. Then spend some time thinking and imagining what it would be like to be a different person, imagine if your mind was naturally confident, relaxed, strong, kind and peaceful all the time.

Imagine how it would feel to always meet challenging situations with a positive attitude. Think about how your quality of life would improve if your mind was like this. Then try to come to a deep inner determination to gradually move your mind in this direction, think ‘I am going to spend the rest of my life steadily and consistently developing my mind’, try to meditate on this positive thought for as long as is comfortable.

When you have finished make a short dedication like ‘through the power of these positives thoughts may all living beings find lasting happiness’ and try to carry your positive thoughts in to the rest of the day.

Excerpted from the book: Everything is a Blessing by David Vennells. Visit his website: HealingBooks

About the publisher:
O is a symbol of the world, of oneness and unity.  O Books explores the many paths of wholeness and spiritual understanding which different traditions have developed down the ages. Our books bring this knowledge in an accessible form, to a general readership, providing practical spirituality to today’s seekers.  Find out more at: www.o-books.net

Get your free copy of my new book:
The Principles of Successful Manifesting - How to make your life dreams come true.
Click here to download

This must happen to so many people, but without a wish to find some meaning and understanding we will not discover anything or grow in any way. So this should be our starting point we need to recapture some of our wonder and curiosity about life. We need a strong wish to find a way to overcome our problems and find meaning in life otherwise nothing will change..

Everything begins in the mind with a wish. All the great achievements of mankind began with a wish. Columbus had a wish to discover a new world and he did, although many thought it impossible. We had a wish to walk on the moon and one day we did, although many thought it impossible. Great buildings begin their life in the mind of the architect, advances in medical science begin in the minds of doctors or scientists. Acts of cruelty come from an angry mind and great acts of kindness come from a compassionate mind. Whatever we do with the rest of our life will begin with a wish in our mind.

If our wishes are ordinary we will achieve ordinary results, if our wishes and dreams are special we will achieve extraordinary results. This simple choice can determine a complete change of life. It takes a real pioneering spirit and a lot of courage to dream of and begin a new way of life in a very ordinary world. Often our environment and the people around us have a huge influence on the way we see ourselves and the way we feel we ought to live.

By the time we reach adulthood it can feel that our character is set and change is at best difficult and at worst impossible. Other people become used to the type of person we are and they reflect our self image making the possibility of personal and spiritual transformation more remote. Often we need a life changing event, perhaps in the form of illness or bereavement, to glimpse the possibility of change.

These initially traumatic events can help us to break the mold or shell that we have created and can help us toward a richer life. Difficult situations can become meaningful when we have the wish and the wisdom to transform them in to learning experiences.

In my own experience of illness it often seemed there was no great purpose, just suffering and if we look around the world we see people experiencing all kinds of extreme difficulties like famine, poverty and war. Human and especially animal lives are often short, painful and bleak. Many people might disagree but suffering can be more meaningful than success.

It can make us more mature, stronger, more empathic and compassionate toward others, more humble and less proud. Fame, money and success can often just feed our ego making us feel superior and creating a childish and selfish mental state. If this was not true all rich and famous people would be deeply happy!

When I began to read books that encouraged a positive approach to illness I became inspired to change my attitude. However I often found that progress was sporadic, two steps forward and one back, and with no clear direction but at least I felt I had made a start. After a while I realized that what I really needed was clear guidance, a clearly explained path that would take me step by step away from suffering toward a stable and lasting sense of happiness and inner peace.

I new this might not be easy and would involve a certain amount of discipline and hard work but if I found such a path I could work my way along it at my own pace, not expecting deep results in one week but just gradually enjoying progress over the rest of my life, maybe over many lives.

After about five years of illness I was introduced to a Tibetan Buddhist teacher who seemed to be a very special example of what a human being could become. His teachings were clear and practical and his presentation and example were completely inspiring. Although I had read some books on Buddhism and felt completely happy with this spiritual approach to life for some reason it had not struck me that this might be the path for me. But listening to this teacher made a huge difference.

It seemed from his teachings that we can become a special almost holy being in this life. By following a simple step by step approach we can reach a level of consciousness or state of mind that is beyond suffering and we can do this with a special motivation to benefit others that brings great positive energy in to our world. The main message I was getting was that ‘we can solve our problems and we can make a difference to our world and this is how you do it’. No one had ever promised me this before so I could not resist the challenge of checking this out for myself!

Human beings have such a special opportunity to do good, to lead a good life, to learn, to grow, to become something special it doesn’t have to take millions of years for us, we can evolve in our own life time because we have free will and choice. Unfortunately most of us live our lives in a very small way, we try to gain wealth, popularity, recognition, we build homes and raise families and by the end of our life often our mind has degenerated rather than grown in wisdom and understanding.

Children especially need to know they have a special opportunity to develop and grow, a chance to discover the secrets of the universe from within their own mind. If we teach our children to put all their effort in to developing the external world we will not solve the problems of this world and human beings will never evolve beyond our present limited state.

As adults we need to start again, to try to view our life from a fresh perspective. Look at where we have gone wrong and gradually try to live our life as we would like our children or the future people of this world to live. As individuals we have huge power to touch the lives of others if we live in a special way, especially if we have a difficult illness or disability to live with. If other people see us living in a kind and positive way despite our difficult circumstances this can be so inspiring.

We have the power to change the future of this world by living in a relaxed and positive way, and always looking for and enjoying opportunities to grow and learn and develop our mind. This way of living is special if we do it for our own good so we can experience some inner peace and personal growth but it is especially powerful if our motivation is to benefit others. If we try to feel that all human beings are part of our family and their happiness is our responsibility this is a very mature way to live, a sign that we have the beginnings of a great, wise and compassionate nature.

Even if we cannot honestly live like this everyday we can keep it as an ideal to aim for in the future, because if we cannot even imagine the kind of person we want to become we will never achieve it. At some point we have to use our imagination to create a blueprint in our mind for the type of person we would like to become in the future.

In Buddhism it is said that of all the countless worlds and universes and types of living beings that exist a human life is one of the rarest and most difficult to obtain, it is even rarer to be human and to have an interest in the spiritual path and then even rarer to find an authentic spiritual teacher. If this is true we have no time to waste!

No matter how old we are we can begin this special journey now, in fact if we are older because of our life experience we can learn deep lessons more swiftly because we understand failure and success, happiness and suffering. Whatever strong habits we die with shape our personality in the next life.

If we end our life on a high, spending time developing our understanding and experience of the spiritual path, this tendency will carry us forward to a life of spiritual growth. If we have a positive and flexible outlook and try to make the most of life it is easy to die and let go of this life because we have no regrets. A happy death is a great achievement.

Youth is a state of mind. Some old people have a very youthful heart and many young people grow old before their time, often due to a childhood full of trauma. But if we have a little wisdom we can use whatever difficulties we encounter in life to become stronger, kinder, wiser people. Although often it is trauma and pain that make us feel old if we learn a new approach to life these same conditions can be the cause of eternal youth.

Keep wondering, keep young, always feel new, try to develop a happy flexible mind, let go of things when it is time to let go and always try to benefit others. It’s when we let our mind get heavy and we think too much about our own suffering and happiness that our mind gets small and life gets tough.

Often people with serious illness feel that life has let them down but ironically we might be the lucky ones, we can be like pioneers on the verge of a new world. Man will go further in to outer space but this is not the final frontier. We will not solve the problems of man kind or realize our potential for infinite happiness out there.

We must journey within. Buddha said that ‘illness has many good qualities’. Initially this seems like a strange point of view as we all wish to avoid illness and any kind of suffering but hard times are never wasted time if we know how to transform them.

We need a strong mind to be able to deal with very challenging situations and come out the other side a more whole and healthy human being. A strong mind means it possesses qualities like flexibility, happiness, peacefulness, patience, understanding and wisdom. But we can only develop these qualities by gradually learning to embrace and use challenging situations to power our personal and spiritual growth.

A mountaineer cannot climb without the mountain! Although the mountain causes great hard ship to the climber, sometimes even injury and death, because he views the mountain as an opportunity it actually becomes the main cause of his success. The sight of the mountain drives his desire to succeed. If we want to grow, we need a mountain. Illness, difficult people, poverty, failure or any other difficult aspect of our life can provide us with perfect conditions for growth giving us the chance to realize our special inner potential. Whatever is making us unhappy can be transformed in to the main cause of our happiness, just by changing our attitude!

What is spiritual growth? It is about inner transformation, becoming a different person, changing our attitude, transforming our world by transforming our mind. It does take time and effort to change on a deep level so like a mountaineer we have to be practical, we have to train gradually and steadily, we have to learn to conquer small mountains before we can move on to the larger ones. But we can sometimes make big advances quite quickly simply by learning some simple techniques to change our view of our situation.

For example think of something you are having difficulty with at the moment, it might be an illness, a relationship problem, a problem at work. Find a few minutes to sit down and relax or go for a walk in a quiet environment, bring all of the aspects of this difficult situation to mind. As soon as you start to think or feel negatively slowly repeat to your self ‘this situation is a mountain, it is an opportunity to grow’ or use a similar phrase that works for you. After a while you will notice a positive attitude start to grow in your mind.

You have created a new mental environment. Now you know from your own experience that you can change, this might be a very small and fragile start but it can feel very encouraging. From this experience it doesn’t take much to realize that if small inner changes are possible in the short term then so are big ones in the long term, all that is needed is commitment and over time we can develop that as well.

Stay tuned for part II…

Excerpted from the book: Everything is a Blessing by David Vennells. Visit his website: HealingBooks

About the publisher:
O is a symbol of the world, of oneness and unity.  O Books explores the many paths of wholeness and spiritual understanding which different traditions have developed down the ages. Our books bring this knowledge in an accessible form, to a general readership, providing practical spirituality to today’s seekers.  Find out more at: www.o-books.net

Get your free copy of my new book:
The Principles of Successful Manifesting - How to make your life dreams come true.
Click here to download