I awoke to deep sweats only to find out it wasn’t a dream. I had locked myself up behind the bars of life. Dripping furiously with fear, anxiety, and worry that I let life over exhaust me, I became invisible to myself. I had sought the acclaim others gave me all the time on my validation of worth. I literally was being controlled by others opinions of me. Eventually I lost sight all together of whom I was and goals I had set.
My self-worth had been incarcerated and I became an enslaved self-server for people. I was now just a product of their environment. I had this deep almost inexpressible yearning within me to find myself. I knew I would have to discover internal strength in order to withstand negative provocations, selfishness, and keep a clear vision of determination of building and regaining my confidence and worth up. It would take me to break old habitual ways of being others inmate and changing old thinking of unworthiness. I had to go on a journey to set my values and principles to inspire growth, mentality, emotionally and spiritually.
Money, cars, parties and alcohol all played a role in losing my self-worth and replacing it with materialistic things while attending college. People would look at me and figure I was living the fabulous life. My only responsibility was to be on time for happy hour and still stumble my way into class on time. I was great at the portrayal of self image, which was happy and outgoing. (Cause and effect of alcohol.) My reflection in the mirror could only view my hair done, my applied makeup, and my designer wear, it never saw inside my discouraged, disappointed, and depressed inner spirit I carried daily.
I was persistent at putting my self-worth off to the side that it became habitually easier to let others control my actions, thoughts and way of being. I just felt as if I was no more than someone’s victim; I thought I had tried everything I could do for myself. After awhile I choose to walk a life of confusion, frustration and misery.
Notice I did use the words, “I choose,” because I could have made the choice to look for more productive alternatives, such as the alternative choice to be happy with myself and taking on responsibility for which I was. If I break the word responsibility down, it means my ability to respond to any circumstance, situation or person. For me it was just easier to constantly make decisions to blame others for my reactive negative approach to life, instead of being a force of influence over my own life.
Life began to look up when my party days of college was over. I had settled down with my husband and started a family. I thought I had broken free from incarceration and was living out my dreams. My daily life was a routine of my children needing me, my spouse next to me, and my friend’s comforts knowing I was there to talk to them.
Once again I had not notice that I was letting my life deplete in to the hands of others. I didn’t take the time out to figure out who I was between the captivity of home, family and friends. It had developed into an addiction before I knew it. I was addicted to how my friends and family made me feel of importance. I had not found my self-worth; I had just hid it inside of them.
My most eye opening experience came was when I had lost my unborn child. I was six months into my pregnancy when I had to be rushed to the hospital for stomach pains. Only to find out I would return home empty handed without my son. He had survived only minutes for me to hold and tell him that I loved him.
Watching his life slip away into my arms was the most pain I felt throughout my life. His life was taken before it was started. I became increasingly irate at the lack of understanding and support I was receiving from everybody. I notice my friends and family pursuing their getaway from me. I was an ineffective mother and spouse at this point, instead a grievance collector. It was at the point of losing life and my loved ones that it was time to find my inner self and break free from the bars of life.
In order to unlock myself I had to be willing to do what others weren’t. I had to separate myself from everyone I love in order to grow mentally. I was determining to put my focus on myself and discipline my mind daily without any excuses. I didn’t have time to waste on excuses but had to always have reasons for me to keep striving to become a better person.
I wanted to make myself over internally so I could be more effective to the ones who positioned themselves around me. I had to let my past and all the hurt associated with it go. The key to unlock my self-worth was not to focus on any problems but strive for solutions. I had to stop putting hours into everyone else and use those hours on growing to my fullest potential. I realized I had to start with my mind; a mind can only put out what have been put into it. Looking at my history my mind was filled with garbage. I took out the trash filled of failure and began with positive reinforcements to myself. Now that I had self-knowledge of who I wanted to be I could begin with self-correction.
I started 5 principles:
- Happiness is my choice
- Think only thoughts that empower me
- Power to choose my response to any circumstance, situation or person
- Refuse to excuse and go after results
- Nothing has meaning except the meaning I give to it
I practice these five principles to create habits of thinking. I never once question who I am or what I can accomplish anymore.
I began work also on my inner spirit with daily positive affirmations to myself. My reflection in the mirror is flip outside in until I could only see that I am worth happiness, respect, integrity and honesty inwardly. Achievement is simple, but conquering me is a journey.” All I can say now is I am just now starting to live life.
I remind myself everyday is a new day. I just started to find that I am the creator of my life and this is a continuum path. Life is a growing process every day, because people are creatures of habit. It is so easy to slip back to being like everyone else and live in their reality. It’s when I determined what my reality was for myself. That reality involves me taking forward steps to improve my life and self.
I must say life is much easier than what people make of it. 99% of what people fret or worry over what has happen or never will happen. I continue day by day too continually to fall in love with everything right about life and discredit anything that is wrong. I have taken a different approach to my own life and applied optimistic views while gaining focus on becoming a better me.
The continuous mistake I made in the past when I was a unhappy I repeatedly tried to make myself feel better instead I should have tried to just be better. I stop putting emphasis on my negative feelings and put more energy on thriving to use my creativity to be better.
I finally was gaining the components of self-respect, self-control, happiness, that it seems like I lost 50 pounds. That is the formula I came up with for losing weight. Lose 50 negative thoughts and the pounds will drop. I failed over and over until my eyes open and realize I have to be me. My key to success was growth. My motto is “You can’t go forward in life by doing what you did yesterday.”
Failure is the stepping stone to achieving success. It is the fear of failure that held me back not failure itself. Everyone has failed, rather it is relationships, investments or careers, and it is what we take from the experience. I had to start learning from my failures and get the positive feedback that each failed obstacle came with.
There is always going to be something to learn from failure. That is what makes a successful person, they way you learn from your failures. I am free and I am proud to say I failed my way to a successful life. People will predict, but I am the only person that can determine my destiny.
It will look like this: Failure is the Stepping Stone to Achieving Success