Setting boundaries is important in many areas of life. Knowing how to set appropriate boundaries—and sticking to them—can mean the difference between failure and success in relationships, work environments, productivity, family issues, financial security, and your own sense of self worth. Many tasks require concentration and balance in a peaceful environment.

Interruptions and unplanned chaos in whatever form make it difficult to focus on the task at hand and, if taken to extremes, can have a negative impact on many things in life. Boundaries can be violated not only by others but by yourself as well. It is important to realize that often, we are our own worst enemies when it comes to respecting our boundaries.

Find out what boundaries are important to you.
Few of us seldom take the time to actually sit down and assess the boundaries we need in our lives. Think about what bothers you and one or more boundaries are sure to arise in your mind that would make good candidates for your ideas about how to go about setting limitations on things in a healthy way.

Write them down. Categorize them if necessary. Using particular situations, instances of emotional abuses, improper requests—or anything else that seems troubling to you—create a list that works for your particular mindset and sense of urgency.

Consider your past approach to setting limits.
After you’ve determined your list of boundaries—10 or 12 would make a nice start—focus your attention on specific situations in which you could have enforced a particular boundary but did not. Do this without judgment, recrimination, or excuse. Based on past experience, simply decide which boundaries worked well and which did not.

Ask yourself if certain boundaries seemed to be effective in the past but no longer useful in the present. Ask yourself if you can commit to observing the utility of your boundaries and make needed changes for better results in the future. Your approach to setting boundaries should be firm yet flexible enough to be modified as required for best results.

Decide who your main boundary violators are.
Many times we shirk away from taking a hardline approach to those who violate us because we believe that those violators will see the error of their ways and change themselves or their actions to incorporate a more positive, sensitive recognition of our needs.

This attitude on your part is usually an illusion. Inconsiderate people do not change when people are kind to them; they change when they realize that their inconsiderate ways brings them difficulty or pain. Do yourself and them a favor by identifying the offenders and realizing that the real change must come from you, not them.

Change yourself, your actions, and your beliefs.
It begins with you taking responsibility for your boundaries. Others can only be responsible for themselves so do not think that they understand or even agree with your boundaries. They are your boundaries—own them, protect them, and call them into play as needed for your own well being. It is your task to communicate how serious you take your boundaries to others when they have been violated.

In those communications be firm yet fair, serious yet understanding, forceful yet willing to listen. On no account, compromise the boundary that has been violated; after all, you have taken the time to set your boundary with the full understanding of what works best for you and you have initiated the process in a way the most people never get to or think about. You examined your needs and changed your actions or beliefs to accommodate that change. Respect that and the violator usually has no choice but to respect your wishes.

Practice being firm when communicating with others.
Sometimes the only way to be proactive when communicating your intention to uphold your boundary is by stating the negative:

• I cannot do that.

• You are acting inappropriately.

• I will not accept that kind of treatment.

• I do not accept that I am responsible for your issues.

• I have no time to deal with this and this is not a priority for me.

• You are mistaken if you think that I am the correct person to lay this on.

• You have not lived up to our original agreement.

Practice doing whatever it takes.
Sometimes communication alone will not stop a violator from trashing your boundaries. Violence and other forms of direct confrontation are rarely satisfactory answers. Some violators who facilely ignore your words truly respond best when confronted with action. You may need to close your door, ignore your phone messages and email, delegate things to others—doing whatever it takes involves being aware of both self-imposed boundaries boundaries you impose on others.

Practice immediate response when you need to set a boundary or call out an offender who violates one.
Most things involving human discourse function best when they are acted upon in a timely fashion. If you have a tendency to procrastinate or ignore, learn to take action immediately. Sometimes immediate action is impossible; in that case, immediately take note of the boundary issue involved and take action or communication with the offender as soon as possible. Immediacy lends its own unique and powerful energy to any situation, and that energy can dissipate over time. The key here is to take immediate action but not to be reactive—train yourself on how to take timely, balanced action as opposed to unthinkingly reacting in the moment.

Deal with the worst offenders by taking extreme action.
Some offenders just don’t get it. They persist in ignoring your needs, violating your boundaries, and imposing themselves inappropriately. Drop them and move on. Keep them and continue to frustrated and unhappy around them. You don’t need crazy makers in your life, you need those who practice mutual respect as you do. It takes courage to take such extreme measures, but sometimes there simply is no other way to keep your self-integrity intact.

About the Author
Timothy Thompson is a professional freelance writer/editor whose work with Dream Manifesto helps illuminate life for online and offline audiences around the world. He is currently working on several writing and editing projects. Visit Thompson InkWorks for information.